WHEN I was a Freshman I was ambitious. But ambition I knew was a generous fault, one that belonged to noble natures. I wished to be an athlete. None of your tennis champions or great Lacrosse players (honored opponents of Kanucks and Indians), but a real, genuine, out-and-out athlete. I panted for the honors of the oar, the bat, the ball. I went into training. I am, therefore, now qualified by experience to talk of training. In the first place, I will mention some of its recommendations. It 's an interesting state, one that is warranted to fascinate the fair sex. Then it 's a sure remedy for unpleasant engagements; and you can shake a bore on the strength of it every time. But, my young friend, do not allow these allurements to tempt you into the rash path that leads per asthma ad astra. Breathing slowly and peaceably is a boon which you will learn how to appreciate when you have finished your diurnal sweater of five miles, - a mere nothing, Jim will call it. No! If a man bores you, you can go to sleep; if an engagement is unpleasant, you can be disagreeable to make the score even; and I'm sure you do not need any external charms to fascinate with, when your intrinsic qualities are what they are. Take my word for it; training don't pay. To put it concretely, "It ain't what it's cracked up to be." Why, look at me. I've trained! - rowed, base-balled, foot-balled; and what good's it done me? None! No sir, none! But I've grown a deuced sight wiser than I ever was before. I've learned a secret. I've learned why it did me no good; why it does no one any good; and why so many fools, in spite of its uselessness, still train. And now I 'm going to give away to you this momentous secret. You 've heard the saying, "He knows not pleasure who hath felt no pain." Well, when vice satiates, when the cloyed appetites and enfeebled powers are no longer capable of pleasurable sensation, then (like the Romans of the Empire who made way for fresh banquets by swallowing emetics) men take to training as a last resource, - as the only means of future enjoyment. Eureka! The problem is solved. Henceforth, it is a disgrace to train.


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