The accuracy of the CRIMSON's annual predictions for the new year never fails to cheer those journalists who suffer from the January reminder of New Year spirits. While holding our heads, we once more gather our crystal ball, tea leaves, Almanac, astrological reports, and bottle of Geneva spirits in order to announce the coming events.
January. The Harvard faculty will be rocked by an expose of the local jewelry store that sells bogus Phi Beta Kappa keys. Crane Brinton will abandon his professorship to become a section man at Sarah Lawrence. Seven alumni of the class of '18 will picket Mem Hall crying, "Veritas has become demi-tasse and these hallowed halls have termites!" Three business school students will be arrested for smuggling the newly banned copies of Playboy over the state line.
February. An Eliot House janitor will win the $64,000 Question. His topic will be "The Spirit of Ancient Athens." A Cambridge commission for urban renewal will propose a modernization of Harvard's campus. President Pusey will counter by saying, "Harvard has no campus." Fire Chief Kilfoyle will drive the hook and ladder to Miami for repairs.
March. Russia will claim that the United States shot down her space satellite. Dulles will offer to pay half the damages, explaining that the Air Force thought it was a trial balloon. President Pusey will resign to become head of the Divinity School, replacing Dean Horton who will quit to become a speech writer for Oral Roberts. General Motors will deny reports that it will merge with the U.S. Treasury Department.
April. Dean Henry will predict: "In five years the whole college will be on advanced standing." McGeorge Bundy will refuse to become president of Harvard as he believes he may hear a call to come to the aid of his country. An M.I.T. freshman will successfully torpedo the Harvard crew while a scientific Yardling will attack the Jubilee with tear gas bombs. F. Skiddy von Stade will announce the use of Pinkerton men in '57.
May. The U.S. will launch its space satellite. The Russians will shoot it down, then explain, "It looked just like a trial balloon" and pay half the cost. Senator East land will demand that the U.S. secede from the U.N." and lynch them Ruskies." Russia, in the meantime, will announce the installation of the "Peasant Boys' Administration; what is good for General Zhukov is good for the Soviet Union." Guatemala will claim Goa.
June. Paul Tillich will turn down the presidency of Harvard to become a speech writer for Billy Graham. The Board of Overseers will deny plans for an eighth house while construction proceeds. The Lowell House bells will play Professor Piston's arrangement of "Sixteen Tons." Polly Adler will deny that there is a new house at Harvard. Liberace will volunteer to lecture at Harvard, claiming "I'm sure they'll love me."
July. Marlon Brando will be a smash hit in Peter Pan. Liberace is refused, the lectureship going to Senator Knowland. The President of the Class of '96 will resign asking, "Whatever happened to us leftists?" In the world of food, Elsie will deny she owns Cronin's. The Hayes-Bick will reserve four tables for poets only and both Mike's Club and Harry's Arcade will remove food counters to make room for more pinball machines.
August. Bishop Fulton J. Sheen will declare that if Billy Graham becomes Harvard's president he will demand equal time and space. Ike says he will run again if Mamie lets him. The AFL-CIO will start a "draft Truman" campaign. Truman will refuse comment while spear-fishing in Key West with Mamie. Bundy is enigmatic. The American Antarctic expedition gets lost.
September. Truman will spear a coelacanth and a dugong. Dewey says he will run if Truman does. The White House ground crew will begin construction of a tennis court where the driving range once stood. Back in Cambridge, the HAA will adopt a new ticket distributing plan which is based upon "free enterprise or tickets go to the highest bidder." Ex-President Pusey will deny that he is a ghostwriter for Billy Graham. Pusey will declare, "I don't believe in ghosts."
October. Ezra Taft Benson will propose a new solution to the farm problem: plow under every third farmer. The CRIMSON will go to Wellesley to conduct the Miss Radcliffe contest. The Government and Economics departments will cancel all courses since their professors are working for "Democracy and the ADA."
November. The Board of Overseers will move into the new house. Thousands mill in the Square waiting for the Yale riot. When nothing happens, the thousands, of proctors, deans, tutors, Yard cops, and police leave. Fire Chief Kilfoyle is now in California, heading for Kenosha.
December. Time Magazine will name Clare Booth Luce "Man of the Year," Harlow Curtice becomes the new president of Harvard. He will discuss a merger with the Ford Foundation. The Board of Overseers declare that there are no plans for further expansion but Curtice will say "Harvard grows with the nation." The Divinity School will attack Bingo, while Bundy is sent to help Admiral Byrd.