The Common Pigeon

The slatternly flutter of wings, the voice of hypocrite coo, the unspeakable filth-such are the marks of the city pigeon, that most evil and cunning of birds. Fully a generation ago, a sentient woman, the Sappho of her age, sounded the alarm: "Pigeons on the grass, alas!" Yet, despite this warning, the era of appeasement of these feathered spongers has continued.

Had continued, that is, up to last week. For now the City of Boston has erected signs on its Common that read:

NO FEEDING OF BIRDS OR SQUIRRELS ALLOWED

A harsh, but by no means unjust ruling.

No doubt children, old women, and the sentimental will cry. And in their interest, we would add a plea for mercy: let not the innocent suffer with the guilty. Pigeons are ugly, evil, and dirty, but sparrows and squirrels are not. Sparrows and squirrels are merely the dupes of pigeons. It is a well-known fact that pigeons use these amiable creatures as fronts, that food intended for the squirrels ends up in some pigeon's pockets. Therefore, in the interests of mercy, the signs on the Common should be changed to read:

DO NOT FEED THE PIGEONS NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON ONE