The CRIMSON received its annual shipment of fortune cookies from Sinkiang Province yesterday with a Happy Chanukah note attached. Sifting through the crumbs, the editors found these messages for the coming year:
President Pusey agrees to admit Radcliffe students to Lamont Library, but Radcliffe President Mary Ingraham Bunting vetoes the proposal. "Activities in Lamont will not be properly supervised unless I'm allowed to move next door," she says.
President Pusey resigns in protest as he returns from a holiday weekend to find Mrs. Bunting ensconced in the President's mansion. Ronald Reagan, Republican candidate for governor of California, proposes to raze 40 blocks of central Watts and replace them with Disneyland. "Those people just want to be happy," he says.
Mao Tse-tung is reportedly near death after suffering a major heart attack. Polls show Ronald Reagan's lead in the California gubernatorial race declining. Reagan grows a beard, loses 40 pounds, and begins a series of ten-minute addresses at grand openings of Forest Lawn Cemetary branches. The Fellows of Harvard College and their wives attend a tea given by Mrs. Bunting at her new home. Soon after, Mrs. Helen Gurley Brown, author of "Sex and the Single Girl," is appointed first mistress of the tenth House, Ingraham House. Mrs. Brown is a non-academic. As nights become warmer and rumors fly, Harvard freshmen nervously sandbag entrances to the yard.
In a well-organized riot, the entire student bodies of Radcliffe College, Lesley College, and the Longy School of Music assault the Yard and herd all freshmen into waiting trucks with all their belongings except their pants. The girls put on the pants. New York Mayor John V. Lindsay uncovers an eternal spring of fresh water by striking his rod against the Empire State Building. Ronald Reagan engages California Governor Edmund G. (Pat) Brown in a series of debates. Reagan, clasping his shawl tight to his shoulders, persists in calling Brown "Senator Douglas" and talking about his boyhood in Illinois.
Pop singer Daumyn O'Theerie rockets to fame with his controversial recording of "Don't Ya Negotiate, Baby." Thousands of wives and girlfriends of newly drafted servicemen buy the record. Lyrics include: Don't ya negotiate, baby, I just don't know what to think, babe, Like them creeples say to do. 'Bout them pacificisters and such. Let our love burn like napalm, baby; We're keepin' US offs the brink, babe, Let it tingle like Asian flu. And, oh yeah, I love ya so much.
New York Mayor John V. Lindsay, playing a flute, leads all the rats out of Harlem. Authoritative sources say Mao Tse-tung is dying after an attack of German measles. For the 21st time, Harvard fails to award an honorary degree to Harry S Truman. Honorary degrees are awarded to Margaret Truman: "She rose from obscurity to musical eminence," Thomas E. Dewey: "A stunning campaigner, a flawless Chief Executive," and to 22 people chosen at random from the Boston telephone directory.
Seventeen news photographers drown or die of concussions as Lynda Bird Johnson spends a holiday surfing in California. Spacecraft Gemini 8 and Gemini 9 establish an historic orbital link-up. Astronaut Roger Overendhout, clad in red, white, and blue underwear, is able to crawl from one capsule to another. Playing a tube he had carefully smuggled aboard in his space suit, he performs a riotous impromptu strip-tease for the laughing crew of Gemini 8. Astronaut Kirwood Derby Jr., using a small NBC-TV camera he was carefully paid $10,000 to smuggle aboard in his spacesuit, records the whole scene for the live television audiences.
John V. Lindsay pitches nine no-hit innings and homers three times as the New York Mets beat Los Angeles 3-0.
Mao Tse-tung's life reportedly fading after serious case of the gout. President Lyndon B. Johnson makes his 78th television appearance, surpassing President Eisenhower's eight year record by 29 and President Kennedy's total for three years by 45. In his address, Johnson explains the New Math.
Vice-President Hubert H. Humphrey dies of attrition. President Johnson appoints young serviceman, Patrick Nugent, in his place. Hugh Hefner refused to appear at White House Conference on the Fine Arts. "I won't go near that place until the Playboy Philosophy is law," he says.
President Johnson visits France, and all chefs in charge of cooking the state banquet resign. Lady Bird prepares instant coffee in hotel room. Communists take over Indionesia. When asked about the coup at a press conference, Sukarno laughs and pinches a lady reporter.
Paris announces new hemline for spring is at the navel. "Perhaps we had better take another look at undergarments," comments a couturier.