Perfection at Hemenway: Racquetmen Blank Army
A division of the United States Army--the squash-playing division--marched into Cambridge on Saturday, and by the time the last volley had ricocheted off of Hemenway's walls, the men in green had suffered their worst defeat since Vietnam.
What happened was that the Crimson racquetmen engaged in their own version of guerilla warfare and defeated the Cadets in a 9-0 shellacking, which usually occurs when nine hydrogen bombs line up against an equal number of water pistols.
It's not that Army was bad, it's just that the Netherlands shouldn't challenge Russia in atomic warfare. And in the world of collegiate squash this year, unless Penn or Princeton or someone else proves otherwise, Harvard should be the leader in the arms race.
Against Army, the Crimson not only pulled its second shutout of the week, month and season, but in so doing, the racquetmen also prevented the military men from winning a single game.
Each of the individual matches went 3-0 turn off the lights, which is like throwing a perfect game in baseball. The racquetmen have thus played 55 games so far, and have triumphed in 54 of them.
For the second match in a row, fourth-ranked Mark Panarese had the easiest time of things. He allowed just 12 points in a 15-7, 15-4, 15-1 blitz and after the match the big question was whether or not Panarese had worked up enough of a sweat to merit a shower.
At number five, Ned Bacon wasn't exactly huffing and puffing either. As did Scott Mead two positions down the ladder, Bacon relinquished 18 points in his victory, which occurred quicker than you can take a quiz in Nat Sci 128.
And so it went down the line. Mike Desaulniers, in the first spot, triumphed 15-9, 15-3, 15-10, but it was one of those matches where Desaulniers would stand in the center of the court and force his opponent to run around in circles.
Then, when the mood prevailed, Desaulniers would think of some way to hit a crack or make the ball pull up lame. Basically, it's a question of whether or not you'd go for the A in a pass-fail course, because for Desaulniers, these matches are not challenges.
Captain Bill Kaplan, who's playing quite well these days--probably as well as the second best collegiate squash player in both the nation and Cambridge can play--won to the tune of 15-8, 15-7, 15-7, obviously the result of a late night trip to Elsie's the night before.
As for John Havens, Ken Ehrlich, Bob Blake and Clancy Nixon, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto.
And as for Army, the country is still secure because squash racquets are prohibited on the front.