First Down, Five Months to Go

Well, I never!

As if it weren't enough that we are subjected to baseball day in and day out, night in and night out, twinight in and twinight out, all through the summer, we now must suffer the utter ludicrousness of football in August. That's right, football in August--when it's 95 degrees outside and the players need to carry portable air-conditioning units on their backs so that they don't faint from heat prostration after running around wearing 300 pounds of uniform.

Of course, this isn't real football. It's what they call exposition, but that doesn't give them a right to play it when they shouldn't. I mean, we get enough of the sport during the regular season; how many screened-in passes can you witness before they all begin to look alike?

But I suppose some people like watching football in the summer. Even I went to an exhortation game once. It was two years ago when the Chicago Bears (I'm from Chicago) played the St. Louis Post-Dispatches in Bears' Park, otherwise known as the Field of the Unknown Soldiers in Chicago. It was about 87 degrees that night, and since they were playing under those huge spotlights, it was even hotter.

Just after the opening tip-off, I decided that I wanted something to drink, so I went down under the stands and asked for the typical football game beverage--hot cocoa. Well, the woman serving drinks looked at me like I'd just flown in from the moon or somewhere and said they didn't have any. Can you believe that? All they had was Coke. So I got one. There's something strange about Coke at a football diamond; it's clear, like soda water.

Still angry about the hot cocoa, I returned to my seat, which was in a good spot just behind the quarterback on the second base foul line. Just as I sat down, everyone stood to watch Bob Avenelli, the Bears' quarterback, throw a long pass, which they call a missile, to one of the left-fielders, who crossed the finish line for a home run. But before they could even put the five points on the scorecard, the umpire blew a whistle and called a penalty stroke because one of the Bears' infielders had done an illegal block, what they call goaltending.

So they made the Bears go all the way back to the Blue Jays' 50-yard line, and the Bears had to kick a bunt. To everyone's surprise, the puck flew off course, right into the center field bleachers and hit someone in the ear. But then the siren went off, signalling the end of the second round, and everyone switched sides, just like in red rover.

The third session went without an incident, except for the Seahawks' surprise quarterback tiptoe, which scored them a goal. They made the free throw, too, which earned them an extra few seconds on the clock. But right after that, Gale Sawyers, one of the best Bear guards ever, and one of the best ever in the American League West, scored four lay-ups to put the St. Louis Bay Buccaneers so far behind that they didn't stand a chance with only a few seconds remaining in the third quarter.

Just then, I noticed that George Halas, the Bears' team doctor, was sitting behind me. George, who's better known as "Doctor Leopard" around Chicago, was yelling like a madman--so loud that I couldn't even hear the captain call the shots when the team was in place on the line of cribbage. So, even though it was Papa Tiger sitting behind me, I turned around and told him to pipe down. I mean, just because he is the Bears' team doctor, it doesn't give him a right to go around yelling at the top of his lungs so no one else can hear what's going on. But, then, you know what they say--poor Uncle Hal is losing his hearing.

Well, he looked at me like I was the crazy one and told me if I didn't like his hollering, I should move. I was just about to tell him where he could go, when a loud cheer went up from the stands. Down on the field, where they play the game, one of the Bears' netmen had just caught a line drive, to put the game into sudden death overkill.

Isn't that just what we all needed? There it was, 87 degrees outside with hot lights beating down on us and 75,000 people breathing hot air on each other, and the stupid game went into overkill. And it was only an extradition game! So they played for another few minutes until the Bears got their big break--one of the Cardinals from the city of the Golden Gate Arch dribbled the ball, which a Bear blockhead recovered and ran over the blue line and into the "n"-zone for three points. The crowd went wild because the Bears won in overdrive, 116-89.

***

Despite the heat and the lack of hot cocoa, most people at the Bears-Orioles game that steamy August night had a good time. Even I enjoyed a few of the plays. But the point is, there are other ways to have fun in the summer, and football should be played when it's natural to play it. The next thing you know, they'll be playing hockey in May.