Roll Over Grover

THE FOLLOWING is based on actual experiences. The names have been changed to protect the obnoxious.

5 a.m.... Patty Production Assistant arrives on the set of Grover, a docudrama based on the life of our most complex and misunderstood President, Grover Cleveland. She enters the makeup trailer, where Sam Star, playing the elderly Cleveland, has been artificially aging for three hours. His foam rubber jowels have now reached floor level.

6 a.m.... Off to the office trailer, where Patty begins the daily production report. How far behind are we? What time did the actors walk off the set yesterday? How much money are we losing? Who broke what moving scenery? These are the vital questions she must answer.

7 a.m....As the sun comes up over Los Angeles, Patty tries inconspicuously to slip the production report into the sleeping Production Manager's "in" box. He awakens suddenly and, within 10 seconds, is on the phone to the Producer's house.

8 a.m....The Producer charges into the production trailer, frantic about the day's news: we are two days behind schedule. Or, as the Producer is quick to point out, we are $80,000 over budget. A meeting is called. Heads will surely roll.

9 a.m....All the big-wigs have gathered for The Inquisition. The First Assistant Director accuses the Prop Master of padding his budget figures with alcohol purchases. The Cinematographer accuses the Make-Up man of making the actors too ugly to film. The Accountant insults the Caterer's coffee. Anarchy reigns.

10 a.m. The Crew is playing football in the set of the Oval Office.

11 a.m....The Producer sits in his chair with the script and a red pen. As the others watch in silence (they are now too hoarse to talk), he crosses out the most expensive scenes.

12:30 a.m....The Writer of "Grover" storms onto the set, threatening the Producer's life. He rants about the nature of art, and the necessity of preserving the flow of the film. He extols the virtues of historical accuracy and cinematic integrity. He pleads with the Producer to restore the cut scenes.

12:31 a.m. The Producer turns calmly to the Writer and says, "If art and this script mean so much to you, you are more than welcome to donate your salary to the budget. Then we can afford to shoot the extra scenes."

12:32 a.m. The Writer slinks away....

2 p.m....Patty looks on as Sam Star argues over how the scene should be directed. "Clearly, when I walk from the chair to the door, a greater sense of symbolism is implied. I mean, think of the power, the emotional depth of the scene. I know, let's shoot it in black and white..."

4 p.m....Sam Star is on the phone with his agent.

4:01 p.m....Sam Star walks off the set.

4:59 p.m...Patty Production Assistant notes a three-day deficit on her production report.

5 p.m....It's a wrap!