Losing the Frosh 15

WHAT'S a four-letter word starting with "d" that means "an endless cycle of eternal suffering"?

No, not that one. Worse. Much worse. A word that can send grown women out of a room shrieking in mortal terror. A word that calls up visions of Richard Simmons in spandex. That's right. Diet.

My name is Beckie, and I am on a...diet.

Not because I'm fat, of course. No, I am one of the millions of American women who are dieting because we have a poor self-image. We are not happy with our bodies. We want to look like the super-thin models and emaciated actresses we see in the media. I personally want to look like Audrey Hepburn in Funny Face. My dieting buddy wants to look like Bob Hope in The Road to Bali.

Once I tried to tell her that I did not think any amount of dieting would make her look like Bob Hope. "This is America," she said. "I have every right to pursue my dream. Some people want to be rocket scientists. I want to be Bob Hope. Now shut up and pass the diet Coke."

SO we are dieting in pursuit of our dreams. This is nothing new. We have been on diets before. In fact, I was on a diet for at least 10 hours a day, every day, for months. Every night, around 11 p.m., right after eating about 16 Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, I went on a diet. And I stayed on that diet religiously until breakfast the next morning. Sometimes I even stayed on it until lunch, especially if I had slept through breakfast.

You would think, with all that dieting, the pounds would have just melted away. But that's the funny thing. I didn't seem to lose any weight. In fact, the last time I lost a significant amount of weight was when I cut three inches off my hair. So when my dieting buddy decided to go for the gold and really go on a diet, we knew that we were going to have to devise a more effective diet plan.

There are, of course, two ways to plan a more effective diet: You can research the subject thoroughly, and, working closely with your physician, design a program that combines gradual weightloss with good nutrition and regular exercise. Or you can ask all your friends what they do to lose weight.

We asked our friends.

One woman was on the Sara Lee/salad diet. All week she ate salads without dressing for every meal. And every Sunday afternoon around 3 p.m., she ate an entire Sara Lee pound cake. "I've never felt better," she said.

Another friend said, "Never eat dessert on a day with an "r" in it. Unless it's chocolate chip cookies.

A third respondant's advice was short and sweet: "Only eat food that's been prepared by Harvard Dining Services. You'll lose weight. Trust me."

And a fourth person quoted diet guru Milo Bloom, formerly of "Bloom Country": "Eat less and exercise."

HAVING digested all of that advice, along with half a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies, we decided that we were ready to start a diet of our own. The following is a blow-by-blow account of the progress of that diet.

9:04 a.m. I wake up. I am not really hungry, but it's not good nutritionally to skip a meal. I get ready for breakfast.

9:37. Breakfast. I eat a slice of whole grain toast, unbuttered. And a glass of orange juice. And a banana. On the way to get the banana. I notice how good the doughnuts look. But then I remember I am on a diet. I take a muffin instead.

10 a.m.-1 p.m. Classes. I'm feeling really good about myself. In between Sever and Boylston Hall, I see someone eating a candy bar. I'm not even jealous.

1:12. Lunch. I have some low-fat yogurt, mixed with wheat germ. And some corn chips, to keep up my strength. Still feeling great. I think I'll go to the MAC after my 2 p.m. section.

3:08. Back in my room after section. Was going to go to the MAC, but I can find only one sneaker. Can't possibly be expected to exercise with only one sneaker. I take a nap instead.

5:45. Dinner. I have a salad without dressing. And a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich. And an ice cream cone. I am still hungry when I go back to my room.

9:10. I find some leftover candy. Diet cancelled until further notice. Maybe I don't want to look like Audrey Hepburn after all.