Bush League Scandals

RICHARD M. Nixon gave us Watergate and stuck the FBI on reporters. Gerald R. Ford dared us to forget The Pardon. And Ronald Reagan shoved arms-for-hostages and dollars-for-contras down our throats.

With George Bush comfortably settled into his administration, it's time to compare and contrast. Will Bush, now perceived as Mr. Nice Guy, ever completely slip the wimp image? Will his administration ever produce a scandal big enough to make him a real Republican?

He hasn't given us any reason yet to think that he can compete with the scandals of previous GOP presidents. But, as any political observer will tell you, appearances sure ain't the same as reality in politics--if there is such a thing as reality in politics.

Given Bush's tendency to revere his immediate predecessor, it would not shock too many folks if the new president were actually cooking up a scandal or two right now.

In fact the media, that watchdog of democracy, has been sniffing around the White House so often now that it already has uncovered several Bush Administration scandals that it is just waiting to unload on an unsuspecting public. For those of you who can't wait to hear it from Sam Donaldson and Diane Sawyer on the new "Primetime Live," here are some of the scandals that will allow President Bush to take his true place among the recent set of Republican chief executives.

1: Bloch-gate (named after Felix S. Bloch, the number two diplomat at the U.S. Embassy in Austria from 1981-87 who has been accused of spying.)

The president and State Department claim there is a video of Bloch handing a suitcase to a Soviet agent. The feds say it probably contained classified documents, which helps to explain why Bloch has been receiving so much CIA and FBI attention lately.

That's only the official story though. We'll soon find out that the suitcase contained a photo of a drunken Bush making bunny ears behind the statue of John Harvard after a Harvard-Yale game in the 1940s. Bush wanted to dispose of the photo because he thought people might accuse him of "desecrating a national symbol," which could hamper the chances of his flag-burning amendment.

Bloch, on Bush's orders, gave the suitcase to an agent of the CIA, not the KGB. That agent, in turn, brought the case to the youth group with which Ollie North is performing his court-ordered community service. Imitating "Uncle Ollie," the kids immediately shredded the bag's contents.

2: Iran-Contra II: The Drugging When first asked about his role in the Iran-contra affair, Reagan claimed he knew nothing. It seemed the president's subordinates had kept him unaware of the deal, a possibility made convincing to many by Reagan's knack for taking naps during important meetings.

But it soon will be revealed that then-Vice President Bush was the one making Reagan drowsy by secretly slipping sleeping pills in the president's jelly bean jar. With the Gipper snoozing away, Bush was able to sneak into the Oval Office, say the pledge of allegiance and sing Yale fight songs while rolling around on the carpet.

It is not surprising that North believed he had the authorization to conduct the arms-for-hostages swap. When the Marine walked into the office to let the president know what he was doing, the blindly obedient North must have mistaken Bush for Reagan.

After all, "Boola Boola" does sound a lot like some of Reagan's old speeches.