Open Your Briefing Books...

Three white men in Sunday best dark blue suits will stand behind the podiums. The backdrop will be color coordinated with the rug. Each power tie will be carefully Knotted--strong colors but no too flashy. The men will smile their shining white teeth and the camerapeople will worry about the glare. All the face will be carefully pancaked to prevent sweat--remember Nixon. The moderator and the panelists will be introduced and the audience will clap politely.

Welcome to the Presidential Debate, first in a series.

Introductory statements. Count the sound bytes as they pass, my children. The candidates will observe each other's speeches dispassionately. Elvis will smile too much, Big Ears will fidget and Poppy will nod paternally. All will attempt to look presidential.

Then the questions will come--from a highly objective group of journalists chosen from a list approved in advance by both campaigns. (Big Ears reentered too late to help vet his questioners. That's part of the problem with politics in America, he would say. If it needs to be done, just do it. Don't fuss with all these committees.) The gruff television anchor/moderator will remind the men of their preapproved time limits and then let them loose in the first round of the battle of the briefing books.

Big Ears will talk about his economic plan, Elvis will talk about his economic plan and Poppy will nod paternally. The audience will clap politely.

Poppy will bring up marijuana, draft-dodging and the KGB. Elvis will try to rise above it all. Big Ears will say that's what's wrong with politics today. The audience will clap politely.

The woman from ABC News will ask a tough question about the deficit. Big Ears will say it's all in my plan, Poppy will say it's too early to tell and Elvis will begin a four-part answer with footnotes.

Click.

American Citizens will get up from their couches and go to the bathroom. They will check dinner, wonder where the kids are, refill the bowl of Cheetos and talk about the baseball game. In Oakland, 2000 miles from the debates in St. Louis, they knows what's really important.

Some guy in a small town bar will say you can't trust any of 'them' and the other patrons will nod sagely and talk about whether Pittsburgh has a chance in hell.

Click.

Elvis finally finishes talking, to the relief of the venerable panelist who took part in the Kennedy-Nixon debates oh so long ago. The audience awakens with a start and then claps politely.

The man from the Boston Globe will mention abortion, gays in the military and single mothers. Big Ears will says that's why America is in the trouble it is. Elvis will self-righteously denounce Poppy and Poppy will say we need to get back to traditional values.

Click.

In the inner city someone is doing crack and someone else is preaching a sermon about it. A Crip member warns a Blood wannabe not to clown him and then sells some coke to the fat white guy in the BMW form the suburbs.

The high schools teacher making $15,000 a year prepares her lesson for the next day. Her sister, the secretary with three Kids, goes grocery shopping. And the insurance vice-president worries about the twenty percent layoffs at his company.

Click.

The audience is clapping again in St. Louis. Education policy is discussed. Capital Gains, Taxes, the Middle East, Our Role in Eastern Europe and Latin America, Spotted Owls, Murphy Brown.

Closing statements will now be taken from the three members of the patriarchy. Who are you and what do you stand for? In twenty seconds or less. Message: We care.

The producer raises her hand--and we're off in three: one, two...

Well we're back in the studio in New York, Atlanta, Washington, Boston where our panel of experts has been watching the debate. Gentlemen, whom do you think carried the day?