What The Shaq?

Brown Knows

Mine eyes have seen the fury of the coming of the Shaq.

And it's not pretty.

Shaquille O'Neal, the basketball center/rapper/Pepsi spokesman/owner of a tattoo with a superman logo, has really outdone himself this time. I mean, really outdone himself.

It all began so innocently. It was Saturday evening, and on a whim I decided to check out what was up with my fellow sportswriter Matt Howitt.

Next thing I know, I'm watching MTV in his DeWolfe room. Then came the nuclear bomb.

"MTV's The State is brought to you by Shaq Fu, the hot new game for the Sega Genesis system," the television blurted.

Say what?

All there was on the screen was a strange logo that said, "Shaq Fu." Slowly and terrifyingly, I began to realize what I was about to see.

Then came the ad. It was beyond my worst nightmares.

It was set in an alley. A mean-looking crowd huddled around a guy that looked vaguely like Frazier from Cheers.

"He's bad!" the man yelled defiantly.

But it could only get worse. A projection camera displayed images of SHis Shaqness doing some pretty pathetic karate moves.

A clip of the actual video game followed, and, well, what can you say? It made Donkey Kong look like an artistic work surpassed only by Picasso.

There was a Cartoon Shaq (wearing something that looked vaguely similar to his Orlando Magic uniform) jumping around, shooting unexplained energy blasts--a sort of Mortal Shaqbat.

"It's Kung Fu," a cool-sounding guy declared, "Shaq style."