100 REASONS WHY HARVARD SUCKS

1 ERGONOMETRIC WORKSTATIONS

We knew that the RSI epidemic had gotten out of hand when straps were involved while checking our e-mail in the Science Center.

2 PLYMPTON STREET AND LINDEN STREET SIDEWALKS

Even the buddy system doesn't cut it down these Cantabrigian autobahns. Cobblestones are murder for heels, messenger bag straps are easy prey to bike handlebars and that conversation you were having with the cute guy in section totally breaks up as soon as you get past the Harvard Book Store.

3 ONLY ONE RIVER HOUSE STOCKS FROSTED MINI-WHEATS

The kid in you knows what's best.

4 THE STENCH IN THE QUINCY DISH ROOM

Sure, Jammin' 94.5 is in full effect back there, but the smooth beats don't nearly compensate for the rank funk in this space. You want to take care to separate your paper trash and silverware from what goes on the conveyor belt, but the mind-numbing odor leads many to just drop and bail, squeezing their noses like four-year olds jumping off a diving board.

5 THE MODELS IN THE URBAN OUTFITTERS WINDOW

Weren't they in my Lit and Arts C section? Didn't they have faces?

6 THE PEW IN FRONT OF YOU IN SANDERS

After a half-hour of Marty Feldstein or James Kugel, even the loosest limbed get cramped. But kick hard if you're looking to stretch those legs--this isn't your run-of-the-mill renovated Temple Beth El. Who designed this place any-way?

7 THE CHOICE BETWEEN THE SURGE PROTECTOR AND SIMPLE POWER STRIP

Harvard, wired to the max, is faced with a pressing decision upon every visit to RadioShack. In a battle for space, the Harvard-provided two-outlets-per-room can't accommodate our--very essential--electronic pencil sharpeners, desk lamps, alarm clocks, stereos, computers and automated toothbrushes. But just how trustworthy is the electric flow in our classic abodes? Will our prized possessions fry?

8 EATING HEALTHY

A preposterous replacement for the cereal boxes literature, the eating healthy flyer pyramids in the dining halls do nothing more than provide faux reading material for lone diners. Teresa Chang, M.D.'s words of wisdom are rumored to make some nauseous.

9 BELL HELL

Canaday may be in close proximity to Annenberg, but it's also next door to the bells. At a quarter to the hour in the morning, Mem Church makes sure that all its neighbors reconsider that decision to skip Ec 10 section just one more time. Down on Mount Auburn Street, those looking to coast through Sunday afternoon writing that paper are rudely interrupted by the Lowell House sonic beat.

10 CONCENTRATION PARTIES

There's nothing like some warm Sprite and month-old Pepperidge Farm Mint Milano cookies to spice up an otherwise drab Friday afternoon. Concentration parties offer a unique forum for interaction with top-quality Faculty, that is if you concentrate on what you're saying while you focus in on that irritating piece of cookie stuck on the left side of your sophomore tutor's mustache.

11 THE THIN RED LINE NO MATTER HOW

MANY RESEARCH PAPERS YOU'VE DONE, THE GUIDELINE FROM THE ELEVATOR IN THE WIDENER STACKS LEADING TO UNDERGROUND PUSEY IS A FICKLE FRIEND. WHAT IF IT ENDS? WHERE WOULD YOU BE? WHERE ARE YOU? WHAT? IS THERE SOMETHING ON THE SIDE OF MY MOUTH?

12 ENTRYWAY-CEST?

You see them every day, whether you like them or not. Up the stairs, down the stairs, there's no avoiding the entryway posse. Come nightfall, though, they're the perfect fallback for a lonely freshman night, the optimal finale to an evening of bar hoping or the natural conclusion to several weeks of flirtatious hi's and bye's. Truly, though, as it ends ultimately uncomfortably for all, entryway-cest is ill-advised and nearly always regrettable.

13 IF YOU CAN READ THIS YOU'RE BIKING THE WRONG WAY

14 THE FRESHMAN HOUSING LOTTERY'S COMPUTER PROGRAM

It takes days, and sometimes weeks, to settle on a group of people to block with in March of freshman year. But it only gets worse. The geniuses at the undergraduate housing office have a do-it-yourself philosophy regarding these matters. One individual in each blocking group is required to locate a mysterious room hidden in the depths of the Science Center and navigate the HTML and Java of an original computer program designed to compile the database of blocking groups for the office. No computer specialist patrols the room of beeping machines while anxious first-years painstakingly enter loads of information about their blockmates (some of whom are only recent acquaintances) into the program. Such precious info should not be placed in such nervous hands; the office should handle the data entry itself.

15 WHERE AM I AGAIN?

Finally, they got some version of universal key card access--thank the good Lord! But new problems began immediately. What House am I at? Is it not universal after eight? Before six? And what happens with daylight savings time? Some universality in universalness would be helpful.

16 [THE CORE CURRICULUM]

17 CRACKS IN THE PLEATHER CHAIRS

A petty attempt at making us comfortable in the Lamont reference room ends in disaster way too often. Cracks in the "upholstery" shelve loose change and general grime and also render exposed skin vulnerable to unsightly redness upon dismount.

18 CURRIER DINING HALL FOUNTAIN

Continental breakfast draws the bare-footed, gratuitously bathrobe-clad undergrads, who bask in the image of the babbling brook that anchors the Howard Johnson's of a dining hall. Save that landscaping genius for new Science Center shrubbery, i.e. get rid of those freakin' rocks. See 63.

19 BLUE LAWS

You can't buy alcohol after 11 p.m. And forget it on Sundays.

20 STAIRS

Sure, it's great to live in the Georgian world of Old Harvard. But when you get put on the fourth floor in the corner courtyard in Dunster, the uphill climb gets old real quick. Able-bodied do not abound, making move-in a perennial pain, and after a long day of sections and tutorials, the four flights knock any wind you've got left right out. And The Crimson never seems to make it all the way up the stairs either.

21 ELEVATORS

Okay, you win--some buildings have lifts. But once inside, problems persist. Eye-contact between closing doors never does much to improve neighborly relations; pressing the right button constantly begs a meal-like "pardon my reach"; and then staring blankly at the floor indicator is pathetic anyway, since the elevators only stop on at most every third floor.

22 THE WITCHING HOUR

The T closes at 12:30 a.m. Try catching a cab at Alewife after a 10:45 movie.

23 SQUASH PLAYERS IN ADAMS HOUSE

Once upon a time, everyone knew where everyone was, or at least was supposed to be. The jocks were in Mather, the aristocracy held court in Eliot, and the nudists frolicked in the tunnels of Adams. Nowadays, with randomization, Harvard's efforts at the "small college community" are thwarted by the random collection of students in each House. While the system is an admirable attempt to mark out stratification, what has resulted is a loss of House individuality, spirit and unity--incidentally, exactly what makes communal living worthwhile.

24 THE LANGDELL MYSTIQUE

Here's how you do it: go to Netscape, and type telnet://fas.harvard.edu in the Web address window.

25 NO CABLE TELEVISION

26 THE HALLWAYS IN NEW LEVERETT

Dank and labyrinthine, the pathways between suites in the Leverett Towers thwart eager notebook-sharers and casual drop-ins. The cave-like atmosphere promises to reveal J.R.R. Tolkien-inspired Hobbits behind the large, heavy room doors. Lost in the darkness? Better hope that you're on an even-numbered floor. see 21.

27 CRIMSON CIRCULATION

This magazine is supposed to come to your room, not be dropped outside your dining hall. Complain often, please.

28 PRIORITY SEATING

At The Game, alumni get to sit in front. Undergrads are piled into a 30 by 30 foot section.

29 BOARD-CASH OR CRIMSON-PLUS, PLEASE!

We took the three-hour seminar, and finally understand the difference between BoardPlus and Crimson Cash. But now our question is: Why bother with the distinction? Separating the BP and the CC is Pointless--Undergrad credit: Unite!

30 BREAKFAST CLOSES AT 10 A.M.

No reasonable way to fill up before 11 a.m. classes and hungry returns after brutal 9 a.m. sections.

31 CLEANING UP

There's Cambridge Cleaners, Felix's, Arrow and, of course, HSA. But the only problem is, mention any of these dry cleaners to a group of friends, and some-one's bound to reveal a horror story of a crushed tuxedo shirt or lost black pants. Moreover, when they do come back, it's a mystery whether or not they were actually cleaned or just placed in the plastic bag on a cheap hanger. Who knew of these problems back at home?

32 THE BEEPING ID SLOT ON COPY MACHINES

33 TF APPROVAL

"Yes, that's a really interesting point." "Good question." "Wow! Does anyone else have anything to add?" "You won't be getting your papers back until next week."

34 NO CREDIT

Time to get used to the Harvard attitude: Nothing but the H-stamp is good enough. Few foreign classes or AP classes count for anything, and internship credit requires an independent study, an advisor and a blood sample.

35 HARVARD LINGO

Harvard requires some extra-special vocabulary. NB: Harvard students do not learn from teaching assistants but teaching fellows. They also do not have majors but concentrations. No R.A.s, but proctors. Got it?

36 CALENDAR INERTIA

We spend time pushing for Core reform, to have fall finals moved to December and to have the housing process reevaluated. In truth, though, any change that we help bring about has no chance of impacting us; a grandfather policy and super-planning ahead by the administration ensure that change comes slow and late.

37 NOT $10

While the earnings of student dorm crew workers and library reserve attendants push double digits, many of the University's full-time staff don't share in the riches.

38 LAKE MAC QUAD

THEY CANCELLED THE SWIM TEST REQUIREMENT YEARS AGO, BUT INEVITABLY, ON SOME WET FRIDAY NIGHT, EVERYONE'S FOUND THEMSELVES IN NEED OF A SHORT-CUT ON THEIR WAY TO JFK STREET AND FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE 800 CUBIC FOOT PUDDLE ON THE WAY. YOU'RE SLICK, YOU'RE STYLIN', YOU'RE SOAKING.

39 9 A.M. RESERVE DUE-TIME

At least they give you a 15 minute grace period.

40 STATA

What's with the virtual waiting list? If you are not a social studies, economics or psychology concentrator, please substitute the QRR here.

41 TEAL GRASS

The fluorescent fertilizer looks like an alien with thinning hair just coming out of the shower, before the Rogaine is applied. It can't be too easy to get a mixture of that heinous color; why not tone it down a few shades to get it a grassy green? Radioactive treatment: Bad; back to basics: Good.

42 JORDAN

Yes, it actually is possible to be Quadded from the Quad! The 26 unfortunates placed in this building across the street from the Radcliffe Quad--many in one-room doubles--suffer the equivalent of living in Greenough and eating in Annenberg, only it all takes place closer to Medford than to Cambridge.

43 VANSERG

44 THE BRATTLE THEATRE PROJECTS FROM BEHIND

This lowers the quality of the image. Duh.

45 UHS DIAGNOSES

Declare your stomachache, and be treated with a band-aid. Show them your gushing wound, and discover a thermometer in your mouth. Your best bet: Stay healthy.

46 WEB RESPONSE PAPERS

The information superhighway keeps us sufficiently connected via UNIX; this contrived form of virtual communication is an exercise in Internet ostentatiousness.

47 WEEKEND SQUARE OVERCROWDING

48 THE MONTHLY KEGGER IN HURLBUT

Freshman boys sporting receding hairlines always seem to find themselves in a union dorm with access to a fake ID acceptable to the people at Blanchard's. Resulting is the de facto super-party for first-years, an overcrowded and Natty-Lite saturated sweatfest slash meatmarket for the hungry eyed set. Couldn't get in the door? See 11.

49 ELECTRONIC SECTIONING

Space bar...down, down, down...space bar...up, up...space bar--shit, I have tutorial then. Or do I? Wait--that was last semester! TELNET HAS QUIT UNEXPECTEDLY DUE TO AN ACCESS ERROR. Fuck!!

50 JELLO

It should never go in salad.

51 DRACONIAN ORDER AND EQUITY IN CAB LINES

Yes, there's a plethora of taxis in the Square, pointed in every which way and direction. But you've gotta go all the way to the front of the line, or else you end up being screamed at in strange tongues while your suitcase gets stuck in the grates in the sidewalk outside the Cambridge Trust Company.

52 REGISTRAR'S OFFICE

Fate is kind enough to grant Quadlings the benefits of the collection at Hilles, the rubber floors at the Q-RAC and the easy carding at Temple Bar. But there seems no logic to the location of the Registrar, other than the possibility that Sheraton Commander guests might want copies of their transcripts pronto.

53 HARVARD MOMS

And their T-shirts.

54 BACKSPACE DOESN'T WORK ON RUN: TELNET

Stick with CRT and Better Telnet Fat, or else you'll be loo^Hking at a re^H^H^Hal annoying sit^Hu^Ha^tion. And stuck in place in Hollis? No, that's a problem that can be remedied. Control H, baby, control H.

55 HOUSE STORAGE

Ahoy mateys! Your computer may be safe from filchers, but is it dry?

56 LASER PRINTING BUDGETS

So many questions. Do I type in PRINTER BUDGET at the fas% prompt or at the login: prompt? Or do I type SECTION? Is there a separate budget plan available for social studies concentrators? Do the budgets carry over from year to year? And can I customize my receipt, like keeping my budget private from House computer lab rats?

57 MODERN ART

The Fogg's collection operates on a leap year schedule.

58 SATURDAY NIGHTS AT BERTUCCI'S

The dining hall's serving some version of chicken picatta, and you're in the mood for some fresh bread. The only problem is that the wait at everyone's favorite Brattle Square pizza joint constantly hovers between 70 and 90 minutes. The outdoor folk music gets annoying, and the servers always screw up your drink order anyway.

59 5 P.M. DEADLINES

A single Harvard student emerging from an all-night and all-day job on a forgettable 15-pager to trek to the Core office is an ugly sight. Worse yet is the final day of reading period, when all of the campus is doing it.

60 THE HARVARD CURRENT

61 FIRE DOORS

The flimsy wooden door provides everyone with a whole set of mysterious roommates and their bizarre and disturbing tales of lust. And, of course, when, God forbid, fire does strike, it's going to be a real pain in the ass moving the three dressers away from the door to escape the flames.

62 FIRE HAZARDS

You can't toast Cinnamon Sugar bagels at Bruegger's because they claim the toaster will burst into flames.

63 THE SCIENCE CENTER ROCKS

Ommmmmm. A haven of Zen calm.

64 THE HASTY PUDDING CLUB OR COMPANY, OR...

They're separate entities, and the theatricals get the short end of the stick.

65 THE MEN'S BATHROOM IN THE SCIENCE CENTER BASEMENT

NEVER HAS AN ARCHITECTURAL BLUNDER BEEN SO BRUTAL. "EXCUSE ME, PARDON ME," IS NOT SOMETHING YOU WANT TO HEAR BEHIND YOUR BACK WHILE POINTING PERCY AT THE PORCELAIN. URINALS BELONG IN THEIR OWN SELF-CONTAINED SPACE, NOT IN THE CAUSEWAY TO THE TOILETS.

66 YOU'VE ONLY GOT THREE HOURS...READY, SET, GO!

Nothing is going on until at least 11 p.m., and everything comes to a dead stop by 1 a.m. for the rare House party, 2 a.m. for all city establishments. At that point, further pickings are slim. Guys without a club go home, and girls bat eyelashes, wipe spilled beer from tight black pants and smile pretty at the door of a final club.

67 ACCEPTANCE OF CARELESS ERRORS AS LONG AS YOUR PAPER SOUNDS SMART.

68

69 STUDENT ADVANTAGE

Get discounts at local movies! *Movies must have been released for at least two weeks, must be scheduled between 9 and 9:15 p.m. on only Tuesday nights, and you must show up alone, unarmed.

70 SECURITY MEASURES

Harvard's rare books seem to be protected more carefully than its students. Houghton is rigged with more alarms than Tiffany and Co., non-circulating libraries abound and some security checkers seem ready to whip out the rubber gloves at any moment.

71 ENTREPRENEURS

The Entrepreneur Club's recent book signing at the Coop was blatantly uncalled for.

72 THE "ALWAYS TIREDS"

These are the people who begin and end every personal interaction with how tired they are and how much work they have but are not doing. We're all in the same boat.

73 WHEN PRACTICE DOESN'T MAKE PERFECT

Harvard's lack of rehearsal and performance space is ridiculous. Just ask the string quartet practicing in your House laundry room or the dancers stretching in the Winthrop JCR.

74 THE UNDERGROUND ROUTE

The Red Line's not so bad: compared to its sister train the Green Line, it's a bullet train, really. Allot at least an hour to make it to B.C., as the T, morphing into an above-ground trolley, stops every two blocks and at all stoplights. At rush hour, the approximately four seats in each car quickly fill, leaving standing room only.

75 NOTHING TASTY LEFT

Recent construction in the heart of the Square has left the Tasty's hallowed former locale looking like Hopper's Nighthawks--which could be charming were not Abercrombie and Fitch setting up house there. Tacky, tacky.

76 GET READY TO LEAVE

Parents have to make hotel reservations (at exorbitant rates) for graduation week as soon as they finish moving in their freshmen children. Two hundred dollars a night for a cramped double bed in the Harvard Square Hotel is considered a good deal.

77 STANDARD-ISSUE PILLOWS

Yellow stains.

78 LAMONT'S LAPTOP LOGE

Trying to work in isolation? The loge fulfills all your mirrored fantasies when darkness turns the windows to the right into reflective panes.

79 YOUR HARVARD ID GETS YOU INTO THE BANK, BUT YOUR BANK CARD WON'T GET YOU INTO YOUR ENTRYWAY

80 FINGERING

Last seen at login 1 on Tue Apr 20 14:.3:48 1999 from jpgoldst.student.harvard.edu No unread mail.

Plan:

Hi.

"I like her, I like her, I really, really like her..."

81 STUDY CARDS

The time spent looking for and finding your advisor to sign your study card is exponentially larger than the time it takes for him or her to briefly scan your concentration classes and initial it. And then, senior spring, your blockmate casually points out that you've neglected Lit and Arts B.

82 MATHER SHUTTLES

Don't let that fancy shuttle schedule fool you. Things aren't that great. They come at five past the hour, conveniently dropping you a block from section at a quarter past the hour.

83 WACKED VACATIONS

Your friends are practically taking finals as your begin spring break, and the late start in September seems good on paper until late August, when every-one's gone but your old high school teachers and your bridge-playing great uncle. Standardize, please.

84 POOL TABLES IN LOKER

We wanted a student center, not a hustling joint for brooding Fats Domino Juniors. Think ping-pong, think video games, think fun.

85 FINDING A TRIM IN THE SQUARE

It's a man's world with regards to hair care. Next time you need a cut, be sure to get it done over vacation. The pickings in the Square are painfully slim: La Flamme, or you're looking at least $40, and all La Flamme knows about unisex styling is "taking a little off the bangs." "I don't have bangs, you greasy fuck!"

86 RATS!

Those from urbania might take solace in the fact that in the middle of the night, large rodents scurry across Harvard Yard.

87 STORM WINDOWS

In September, you can't get them open to save your life. Then, when a massive exertion of brute force (on the part of the superintendent's assistant) finally releases them, all of a sudden November transforms temperatures into the teens, and there's no one to help you close them.

88 BLACK MARKET TOUR GROUPS

It's an all under-the-table, all-Euro business. Strange foreigners emerging from tour buses on Mass Ave. means a non-Crimson-Key-endorsed voyage from Mem Church...to Widener...and back, with enough time for pictures.

89 NEGLECTED READING

Same book, same condition, a semester later. A 10th of the price? I shouldn't have taken five classes.

90 WALK-THRUS

Sure, freshman rooms are nice and renovated, and seniors usually end up doing okay, but in between, Harvard housing can be a nightmare. Unique to Harvard is the bizarre glorified hallway, less-than-affectionately known as the walk-thru. Whether it be a bathroom or another bedroom through the causeway in question, heavy traffic inhibits everything from studying to sleeping to heavy petting.

91 LOUIE'S

In the depths of the River, vending machines don't always fulfill the need for quick mid-morning snacks. Only problem is that this time-honored joint opens at different times every day, making it difficult to judge whether you should settle for another pop-tart or trek for a big bag of pretzels.

92 GATED IN

Gate in between Wigg B and C: closed after 7 p.m.

Gate in between Wigg R and G: closed after 7 p.m.

Gate in between Wigg D and E: open all the time.

A pretty shoddy effort at keeping us caged with the rats.

93 KIRKLAND DINING HALL

1:07 p.m. Arrive in Kirkland Dining Hall, get tray.

1:11 p.m. Arrive at seat with burrito, salad and cranberry juice in hand.

1:14 p.m. Get mustard on side of mouth.

1:14 p.m. Realize that there are no napkins on the table.

94 HARVARD'S OWN DIJONNAISE

Dining hall workers and/or careless students in each and every dining hall always seem to manage to get a perturbing glob of mustard in the mayonaise bin, and, of course, vice versa.

95 NAME DROPPING

"Well, my mom went to college with Skip Gates...no, wait, that was my dad. My mom's roommate dropped out freshman year to sing with Carole King. Her daughter went to high school with me. As did the senator's daughter. Which senator? All of them."

96 LOCAL SKINNY-DIPPING

The Charles River is only clean enough to safely swim in 51 percent of the time.

97 YOU CANT GET THERE FROM HERE

Driving on one way streets. And giving directions.

98 SHUTTLEBOY

Perhaps it says something about the values of our campus that one of the most celebrated student creations is a UNIX bus schedule. Thanks so much, Dave J. Malan '99--you've inspired a generation of computer innovators. Their legacy: Datesite.com.

99 NO PLACE TO BOOGIE

We need something beyond the Leverett '80s dance. A dance club (or two) in the Square would be huge in increasing the variety of social options for undergrads. And increasing your chances of getting your groove on.

100 HARVARD STUDENTS COMPLAIN TOO MUCH