Why I Hate TV News

Welcome to the 10 o'clock news on WSEL, your number one network for news you can use. Hey, that rhymes!

At the top of our program we bring you this late-breaking story sponsored by Coors Light, it's the right beer now.

Remember, if it isn't a Coors, it sucks.

Thanks, Jim. This is Jane Lush reporting. I'm standing in what is perhaps the dumbest possible location on the planet right now.

In order to bring you the latest in captivating news, many correspondents have set up shop on the roof of Serbian military headquarters, a 200-story X-shaped building made of neon glow-in-the-dark playing cards.

Rumor around the journalist pub has it that this building is a NATO bombing target, but that hasn't stopped us from making smores and drinking Coors up here.

Much of the reporting on Kosovo has focused on the tragic tales of murder and forced evacuation.

But there's happy time in Kosovo too, especially when Coors Light is involved.

Take this group of drunken Kosovars right here. These guys are happy campers thanks to Coors.

Back to you Jim.

Thanks, Jane. You think you can bring back some Serbian chocolates? My wife really loves those.

We now go to our weather report sponsored by the National Association of Umbrella Manufacturers.

Remember, if it doesn't involve umbrellas, it sucks.

Gracias Jim, This is Yula Gree here with WSEL weather. I lost my satellite image printouts, but I'm willing to bet it will rain tonight.

As a matter of fact, I did bet it would rain. You might even say, if it doesn't rain, I'm a dead man.