Fifteen Ways to Celebrate Columbus Day

1. Answer all questions in section with “Nina,” “Pinta” or “Santa Maria.”

2. Hit on girls named Nina, Pinta or Santa Maria.

3. Watch reruns of “Columbo.”

4. Go into the Discovery Zone store in Brattle Square and tell the staff that, in the spirit of Columbus, you’ve made a “discovery” of your own: Their store is dumb.

5. Much as Columbus asked Ferdinand and Isabella to finance his voyage to India, ask your roommates to finance your voyage to a case of Harpoon India Pale Ale.

6. Be all like, “Ooh, look at me, I’m Columbus, I think I’m a big deal because I fell ass-backwards into the Americas, la la la.”

7. Rent 1492: Conquest of Paradise, starring Gerard Depardieu. If it’s unavailable, try Depardieu in the delightful romantic comedy Green Card, co-starring Andie MacDowell.

8. Be glad you don’t go to Columbia, where this is the most important holiday of the year.

9. Infect your roommates’ blankets with smallpox.

10. Make a pilgrimage to the country of Colombia. Or, if you can’t swing the airfare, getting brutally murdered by any cartel-funded right-wing paramilitary organization will do.

11. Shed a single tear as you contemplate the devastation that European man has brought to the land. Particularly the land owned by the Spee Club.

12. Take a voyage without leaving your chair: Read a book!

13. Stand on the JFK Bridge and throw rocks and spears at the sailing team.

14. Get lost in front of Lowell on your way to Dunster; rename Lowell “West Dunster.”

15. Discover deez.