Fifteen Handy Tips for Punch/Rush Season

1. Make an effort to show your generous side. Offer discounts on blowjobs.

2. Try not to point out how embarrassing it must be for club members to all be wearing the same tie.

3. Don’t mention your interest in supporting after-school volunteering programs, homeless shelters and cancer research. Do mention your interest in “pussy.”

4. If a punch event involves taking a boat somewhere, don’t get so drunk you pass out and fall off the back of the boat. This is how people end up in the Owl.

5. If your name is Hornblower, don’t worry. You’re in.

6. If your name is Gutierrez, don’t worry. You’re fucked.

7. People will tell you that final clubs are only interested in your money, which is true, but sometimes you can fool them. The Fox’s treasury is mostly Monopoly money and UPC symbols from cereal boxes. (This is why the official Fox tie features Cap’n Crunch.)

8. Remember what Larry Summers says: If you rush AEPi and then turn down their bid, your actions are anti-Semitic in effect, if not in intent.

9. Don’t kiss up, but show your interest. Ask questions. Be polite, but also try to display a little personality.

10. Literal punching is not recommended, except when dealing with members of the Fly. Aim for the spot right between their upturned collar and their backwards visor.

11. Remember, you don’t have to be a sketchy jerk with no respect for women to get into the A.D....but it don’t hurt!

12. Don’t keep walking around with your pants unzipped, asking members if they want to get acquainted with your “final club.”

13. ’Cause if you do, your punch season might be pretty short-lived. Oh, snap!

14. Don’t gawk while you’re in Sigma Chi’s stately house...hmm...[snicker]...HA HA HA HA!!!

15. If you’re very interested in advancing women’s social equality on campus, write for Perspective or join the Radcliffe Union of Students. If you’re a little interested in women’s social equality and a lot interested in playing beer pong with final club dudes, join the Seneca.

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