Gossip Guy!

...This week, Gossip Guy brings you a special edition: Gossip Goy! All goys, only goys. Bacon-eating lies, Jesus-worshipping rumors and Christmas-celebrating innuendo guaranteed...

...Holly T. Vargas ’05 had sex before she was married. So, yep, she’s going to Hell. Her hands and mouth especially...

...William K. Weaver ’98-’03 was so drunk on Saturday, he performed his standard late-night naked Quad run within Weld Hall. Fourteen freshman and two proctors are now legally blind...

...GAY GOY GUY SPECIAL: Jared L. English ’04 is afraid to come out of the closet even though all of his friends already know he’s gay. All of them except his “girlfriend at Vassar,” that is...

...Helena W. August ’04 makes an instant bad impression. “Nice to meet you,” Fred. R. Murray ’04 said to her courteously Thursday night. “Oh yeah, meeting you is a real delight,” August replied. She then poured her drink on Murray’s shirt and walked away, mumbling that he had some nerve...

...It only takes a few drinks to knock Yoko C. Christian ’04 totally off her rocker. “Wooooooo!!!” she yelled at her waiter after having two beers at lunch on Monday at Grafton. “Let’s kiss with our tongues!”...

...After a substance-free summer, Friday night marked a happy and drool-inducing reunion with marijuana for Felix P. Johnson ’03. “I’m just chillin’, you know?” he mused contemplatively. “And that lamp,” he said while pointing at the moon, “it’s totally just chilling too!” Johnson then borrowed a pen so that he could write his insight about the lamp down on his hand...

...Niles H. Vaughn ’04 talked his blockmates into hanging out at the Phoenix after promising them “hos in the basement.” Turns out the basement merely contained Phoenix members, a.k.a asshos...

...Extra! Extra! Spread the news: As part of his ongoing quest to become Nelly, Brian M. Bringiz ’03 began spelling his name with extra “r”s, wearing a band-aid on his cheek and making inquiries into the cost of installing a strippers’ pole in his common room. “How hot would that be?!?” he enthused. So hot...

...Austin L.Y.B. Spencer ’03 faces a vexing dilemma. “I will not wed the daughter of Lord Sothersby,” he announced. “Though my family doth wish it, she hath not my heart.” Word on the street is that he pines for Mary Kelly ’04, who is exceeding clever, but unfortunately Irish. “She is more fit to be a chambermaid than a bride,” sniffed Spencer’s father, Lord Nigel Spencer ’58...

...Carl K. Leonard ’06 keeps pretentiously correcting the way his entrywaymates pronounce various French phrases. One phrase they’ve never had trouble with is “Carl est un douchebag”...

...During last week’s football game, unruly Brown fans harangued butter-fingered wide receiver Kevin P. Huff ’05 with the taunt that he “couldn’t even catch syphilis.” The events of Saturday night proved them wrong...

...GOY NON-GOSSIP OF THE WEEK: After David B. Stevens ’03 attended a moving Mass with his grandparents back home, he considered going regularly at school. “I was thinking about it, but they’re really too early,” he said...Elizabeth M. Fallon ’04 has never been inside Hillel...

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