FM has some highly visible faces—the mysterious mug that is Gossip Guy, the ebullient blonde-haired beauty Rachel E. Dry, the deceptively innocent grin of gay-court-file-pilfering Amit R. Paley. But each week, while beers are slammed in the newsroom, a loyal cadre of FM drones works quietly in the basement, oiling the well-run machine that is our fab rag. FM stopped being drunk for five minutes to salute these FM heroes. God knows, FM would be lost—both metaphorically and literally—without them.
David C. Newman
a.k.a. /dcn, Deez C. Nutz, that big guy from news, mutant beaver Neil O. Dershovitz
Dave Newman plays for both teams. By day, he is a skillful news editor and comp director, dazzling young, impressionable first-years with his riveting comp seminars. By night and early, early morn, Dave bats around with FM, serving as FM’s most notoriously accurate proofer. Without Deez C. Nutz, FM would be utterly mispelled and filled with the only things we really want to say: Shizzat! Hizzouse! Fo’ shizzle! Thank GOD we have him.
In all seriousness, Newms began his love affair with FM as a lithe freshman, tall and gawky as he hunted down conservative Christians for one the best-written scrutinies this magazine has ever seen. FM is glad he found those religious kids, and ever gladder that he found us. He keeps us from printing headlines that sound like they were written in tongues, and—better yet—he continually enlightens FM with The Truth. “In the three years I’ve known Dave Newman, he’s never once admitted to being wrong,” one of his friends explains. She’s right, and so are we: Dave Newman has done absolutely fabulous things for this magazine, and without him we’d be chillin’ in our jail cells, doing time for libelous Pomey-Gomes slurs. For instance, did you know Suzanne was a slut? Kidding.
Sarah P. Law
a.k.a. Damn, she’s good
FM shed its graphically/visually challenged image the moment it met Sarah P. Law. Sarah glides through campus on a bike, constantly on FM’s call, ready to drop her orgo books in favor of hotter FM assignments. Slaw, as she is called when FM refers to her by her e-mail address, stands out from other photogs for her dazzling style and utter chutzpah. She wasn’t afraid to tell FM’s 15 seniors to stand up on their chairs so she would be able to snap impeccable shots of their uproarious presentations. And speaking of tables, Sarah likes to dance on them. At Crimson parties. She’s a good dancer. FM is in love.
Look for Sarah’s continuing reign as FM wonder woman next semester when she becomes a photo exec, taking over the FM beat.
Nat E. Jedrey
a.k.a. Damn, he’s good too
Before Nat joined the wonderful world that is FM land, he was accustomed to trekking from the Quad to the Yard for class. These days, Nat’s jaunts have become a lot more involved, as he’s wandered the streets following clueless first-year lushes and the campus’ hottest pieces of meat, the hotties of FM’s Scoped. Nat is famous for his infinite patience—he mentors all the new photog compers and even endures long sessions of incoming FM executive hotties Mollie H. Chen and Irin Carmon staring at his ass. “We were debating whether or not he had an ass,” says Carmon of the slender Nat. [Editor’s note: Right.]
Nat says his best memory from his single semester of FM glory was rubbing (slender) shoulders with the world’s future leaders, when he photographed presidential wannabes for the acclaimed FM scrut. However, the eds know his most miraculous, graphic moment was when he made the eds look a) well-rested, b) not on drugs and c) slender and svelte in their outgoing pics. (See outgoing execs, page 23.)
Christine C. Yokoyama
a.k.a. Yoko; nn-tss, nn-tss, nn-tss; that little chick from design
She’s small as a church mouse and as spritely as an elf, but when Christine Yokoyama sits down to design FM, she towers above us all like a benevolent Japanese deity. For the past two years, Chris has spent every Tuesday night of her life in the basement of FM, and has often become utterly confused about her board affiliation. This girl’s the design chair, but when she dreams she dreams in Fmmmms.
But no matter how honed her experience is, little Yoko (what we call her on good days), never ceases to wow the eds with her ability to dash off stunning pages in a number of minutes. Yok’s aesthetic has become an FM institution, but her constantly evolving dyed hair shows her ever-willingness to change. Except on covers. Yoko always has the last say on covers. [Editor’s note: Close the magazine now and check that shit out.]
However, one of the miraculous things about Yoko is that FM still wants to see her constantly, even outside of the Crime. Somehow when Yoko smiles and asks in a sugarcoated voice for FM’s beer, FM just has to give it to her. And even when she chugs it, and dribbles it down her chin, FM still thinks of her as the hottest lady FM knows. Next semester when Yok defects from the FM crew for greener designing pastures, the eds will most likely even still talk to her. After all, she has an old-school Nintendo. And she managed to rack up all of FM’s points in the FM-Arts Boggle match.