Reasons I Turned Down the Offer To Be One of FM’s Hottest Freshmen.

1. That is, like, disrespectful to the fuglies.

2. I want to be accepted at Harvard for all that I am—a beautiful, nubile young woman who got a 250 on my SAT Verbal and danced naked for my interviewer.

3. Ah figger mah time is best spent tendin’ mah hogs. I ain’t got no time to pose fo’ no big-city pho-toe-graph. [Spits derisively.]

4. I am vegan and will pose only for a spread titled “Freshmeat-Like Soycake.”

5. I’m already one of the Salient’s 15 hottest gay hunks of manhood, and that’s way more prestigious.

6. I was busy watching DVDs. Hi, I’m Suzanne Pomey.

7. Baby, I can’t give this sugar [slaps own ass] away for free! The paying members of would feel ripped off!

8. I mistakenly thought “hottest” referred to body temperature rather than attractiveness, so I thought I didn’t deserve it, since I am the cold-blooded Stegosaurus.

9. I live in Hurlbut, Pennypacker or Greenough and I’ve never heard of this supposed “Fifteen Minutes magazine,” which has never been delivered to me. Is it some kind of stroke mag? [Yes. Yes it is.]

10. You apparently didn’t mean “halter-topped senior skank” when you said “hot freshman.” So I, Paul A. Gusmorino ’02, was asked to leave.

11. I grow weary of FM’s continuing and delusional belief that “Deez nutz!” jokes are actually funny.

12. I’m busy [inaudible] these [inaudible].

13. I’m sorry—these what?

14. Deez nutz, sucka!

15. Ah ha ha ha! [Cries from laughing so hard.]