Fifteen Reasons I Was Excited To Return to Campus

1. Lecture! Section! Loker!

2. College is the best time of our lives! Yes, I’m on Xanax, Prozac and shrooms. Why do you ask?

3. Can’t wait to hear the spring Concert Commission band, Dispatch cover group Not The Dispatch.

4. The fact that my microwave, coffee maker, toaster, computer, CD collection, textbooks and pants were seized by fire inspectors/bandits forces me to lead a simple, Thoreau-like existence.

5. Like my kindergarten teacher always said: April showers bring May exams and drunken, despondent June unemployment.

6. Planning wild Fiscal New Year party

7. Drunken fun in the sun with sexy members of the opposite sex can be found in abundance here, just like on Spring Break. Hi, my name is Delusional Q. Crazypants.

8. Response papers! Problem Sets! Loker!

9. Training for National Binary Code Insult Championships.

10.1000100101000111101010, motherfucker!

11. Still hoping that Flare will pull things together and put out an issue this year.

12. Hoping to find out that the D-minus I got on my Rome of Augustus midterm was a mistimed April Fool’s prank.

13. Series finales of “X-Files,” “Felicity” and “Nightline” approach.

14. You never know, the Ad Board might have reconsidered its policy on expelling students who attempt to bribe their TFs with the profits from gambling on cockfights in the Adams junior common room.

15. Quantitative Reasoning! Moral Reasoning! Loker!