Gossip Guy

…The coming of March always brings joy for Gossip Guy. No time of year is more rife with lies, rumors and innuendo than blocking-group season…

…Intellectual midget Brenda G. Sorenson ’04 laughs every time she sees the annoying fat guy in the pre-movie Fandango ad say “You will let me into the picture.” When the Ad Board found out about this, they voted unanimously to expel Sorenson just on principle…

…The rain last week was ridiculous. A schoolbus containing two of every animal was sighted driving down Mt. Auburn St…

…Jennifer T. Rall ’05 was initially confused by what she termed “a sudden increase in the number of vaguely European douche-cocks” in circulation during the last two weekends. The mystery was cleared up when Rall remembered that the Spee has been padlocked…

…Objecting to FM’s choices, Basil R. Clarke ’06 is running an online poll to determine the 15 hottest first-year girls by popular vote. Clarke is a shoo-in for inclusion on the eagerly anticipated 15 Creepiest Freshman Dorks list…

…After turning in his thesis, Hist and Lit concentrator Mike P. O’Reilly ’03 went out to Daedalus with his thesis adviser and several other grad students. O’Reilly can’t remember anything that happened after 8:15 p.m., but he woke up Saturday to find out he’d been appointed to a senior lecturer position in the Department of African-American Studies…

…Noted campus gadfly Kathryn C. Elkins ’04 recently declared that a house open list should be shut down because a post contained the word “slut.” Conversely, noted campus slut Holly T. Vargas ’05 recently declared that every member of the JV baseball team is on her “open list”…

…SENIOR UPDATE: Senior bar nights are the most awkward assemblages of ’03ers since the freshman-week ice cream bash. Of course, back then, wannabe rapper Casey B. Weinstein ’03 was asking girls “Where are you from?” and “Do you live in Wigg too?” Now he asks “Who you be with?” “Whatchoo drinkin’?” and, inevitably, “Tell me who’s your weed man, and how you smoke so good?” Weinstein has so far failed in his quest to get “all up in the biznass” of any senior ladies...Brian M. Bringiz ’03 is astounded by the unprecedented nerd-drunkenness on display. “Have these geeks never actually been in a bar before?” he asked as John R. Quentin ’03 vomited into a urinal and Gertrude R. Cartwright ’03 ordered “rum and tonic on a rock”…The desperation of senior girls is becoming almost tangible. Lisa K. Cho ’03 got engaged Friday night to a Hong Kong bouncer known only as “Tank”…A piss-drunk Jackson C. Chinitz ’03 started to get sentimental, loudly announcing “I love you freaks!” at John Harvard’s on Monday. The freaks were even less amused by his insistence on repeatedly chanting the traditional senior bar refrain: “What do we want? BEER! When do we want it? BEER!”…

…THESIS UPDATE: How many pages do I have? Fuck you, that’s how many…

…NON-GOSSIP OF THE WEEK: K. Albert Donne ’04 thinks 9 a.m. is too early for a lecture. “I don’t know, man, I just can’t make it to something at that time. 10 o’clock is a tad on the early side, too,” he explains…Melissa T. Epstein ’05 thinks Adams dining hall interhouse regulations are too strict…Gerald C. Hoover ’03 has changed toothpaste brands…