Gossip Guy

...Some may have thought that last FM’s revelation of the secret identity of Gossip Guy ’03 meant that the Guy was bowing out, but the Scourge of All Who Get Trashed and Puke Somewhere Embarrassing ain’t going nowhere. Get set for one last semester of licentious lies, boldfaced rumors and true-life, deeply shameful innuendo…

...If not ever wearing pants before 2 p.m. at any point during the month of January is wrong, then Kyle W. Li ’06 doesn’t want to be right...

…In an act of delicious script-flipping, Lisa K. Chen ’04 plans to smoke up with her House security guard before the year is out. “I’ve got a package for him,” says Chen…

...Lovers of ethnic and national stereotypes were disappointed by last Saturday’s Canada Club bash, which featured a distinctly un-Canadian booze shortage. “They ran out of Labatt’s at like 11:15,” complained British Columbia native Gordon A. Braithwaite ’03. In a tragedy that has become all too common for Canadians living at home and abroad, Braithwaite was then eaten by a polar bear…

...It’s thesis-writing time. More procrasterbation is happening than anyone thought possible...

...GOSSIP GUY LATIN AMERICAN EDITION: It has been alleged that the Kirkland blocking group of Boris G. Thompson ’03 spends an average of three hours a day in the dining hall leering at sophomores. That allegation is correctamundo...

…Eric K. Robinson ’04 returned to America after a semester spent under the influence in Australia. Leila P. Brown ’04 returned to Robinson after a semester spent on top of his blockmates…

…Things seemed to be going well between the lovely Diana K. Alexander ’03 and Tony B. Vogel ’03, until she broke the news that she has a boyfriend in London. “You got a what?” asked Vogel. “How long you had that problem?” He then likened her situation to a potayto/potahto debate in which the only sensible conclusion is dating him. Vogel’s e-mails to Alexander have been answered by suspiciously inauthentic-seeming autoreplies saying that she is out of the office…

…Jake B. Gonzalez ’06 has so far failed in his plan to pick up girls while working Dorm Crew. “I just tell them I’ve come to swab their decks and scrub their bowls,” he recounts. “And then they slap me”…

…Many have begun to note that talking with well-known weirdo Erica M. Patel ’04 is a Vietnam-style quagmire. “Pretty soon I was up to my shoulders in the swamp with no exit strategy,” said Jamal B. Rusk ’04 of a Saturday night encounter with Patel. Rusk was saved only when wingman Paul K. Marlow ’04 boated upriver and terminated the conversation with extreme prejudice…

...The BSA’s 322-page Black Students’ Guide to Harvard was released this week to great fanfare including a positive write-up in the New York Times. To the relief of all, Kenan Professor of Government Harvey C. Mansfield ’53’s Guide to Black Students remains unwritten...

…EXCLUSIVE SPECIAL REPORT: The mid-cunnilingus thoughts of Alex Y. Carter ’05: “Is this girl actually cute? Is this cooch actually clean? The answer’s nay on both counts. Yet here I am”…

…NON-GOSSIP OF THE WEEK: David B. Stevens ’03 doesn’t find the concept of “non-gossip” amusing. “I don’t know, that stuff just isn’t funny,” offered Stevens in the way of analysis…Karen I. Ochoa ’05 likes “The Sopranos.” “It’s so good!” she remarks…Jamie C. Rogers ’04 hates shopping period. “Ugh,” she says. “It sucks”…

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