Editorial Chair

Donald Rumsfeld will actually become Secretary of State.

Benjamin J. Toff '05

Editorial Chair

President Bush, delighted to hear of Osama bin Laden’s offer of a truce with Europe, will be disappointed when his advisers explain that America is not, in fact, part of Europe. He will also be crushed when he learns that Europe is where France is.

Morgan R. Grice '06

Associate Editorial Chair

The next time anyone questions parliamentary procedure, Undergraduate Council President Matthew W. Mahan ’05 will remain calm while picking his teeth with a long, sharpened jack-knife.

Travis R. Kavulla '06

Associate Editorial Chair

If the prolific rumors that H Bomb is desperate for decent copy have a grain of truth—thousands of student dollars can’t buy quality prose—the final product may end up confusing eager readers for yet another Lampoon parody.

Margaret M. Rossman '06

Associate Editorial Chair

No longer duping the poor, innocent consumers into believing that fast food is healthy, McDonald’s new “Adult Happy Meal”—complete with salad and pedometer—will be a hit as Americans choose well-being over taste.

Simon W. Vozick-Levinson '06

Associate Editorial Chair

After an embarassing improvisatory response to an unexpected press conference question this week, President Bush will turn lemons into...bigger lemons by joining the cast of television’s “Whose Line Is It, Anyway?” and, impossibly, making it even less funny.

Sophie L. Gonick '05

Guest Predictor: Editorial editor

In light of Mariah Carey’s absence, University President Lawrence H. Summers will join Busta Rhymes onstage for the hit song “I Know What You Want” in an attempt to show that he does appreciate black culture after all.