Cruel Intentions

A guide to crime and consequences at Harvard

In a nation of increasing morality, the breaking of laws is beginning to have ethical, rather than legal, implications. At Harvard, however, traditional adolescent attitudes prevail. Here is the home of the morally void miscreant who hesitates to transgress not because of broad social implications, but for fear of personal consequences. For all you soulless, fun-loving spirits, this is for you: FM’s guide to Punishment at Harvard.

What happens if I steal large portions of food/ silverware from the dining hall?

According to Jami M. Snyder, a HUDS spokesperson, a first offense (such as the stealing of a large pie) will result in a reprimand. However, if there is a large or repeating problem (like a break-in) then the masters and HUPD may become involved.

What happens if I nail a tutor?

To you, nothing, but the tutor will lose their job, according to a Cabot House tutor. Seems like a pretty good deal for students—seduce away!

What happens if I put nail holes in my wall?

This can result in a hefty fine, according to the same tutor. “A student won’t get in trouble for having a relationship with a tutor,” he says, “but if they put a hole in the wall…”

What happens if I moon people from my window?

This can result in arrests for ‘lewd and lascivious behavior’ or ‘open and gross behavior.’ There is a loophole: in 2003, naked PETA activists had a case dropped against them. So, unless you’ve got a cause, keep the cheeks in their chaps.

What happens if I make a huge snow penis?

Nothing. It’s art. You could even end up on Saturday Night Live, as a group of rowers did in 2003 for their .

What happens if I steal a library book?

You could get ad boarded, according to past Widener clerk Precious E. Eboigbe ‘07, unless you convince library staff you took the book by mistake. So either create an elaborate back-up story about how you were distracted by a huge snow penis and forgot you had a book in your hand, or just buy your freaking books.

What happens if I climb fire escapes that aren’t mine?

You could be arrested for breaking and entering, trespassing, and disruptive behavior.

What happens if I climb fire escapes that are mine?

Probably nothing, but by the time you have explained yourself you’ll have your ID number taken for underage drinking anyway, so don’t do it.

What happens if I insinuate that women are less apt then men in a public venue surrounded by accomplished female scientists?

Shouldn’t be a problem. Transgress away!