Editors' note appended. Please see below.

Crack, flop, hit, nuts, pot-committed. Limp, leak, house, draw, gun-shot straight. It’s not spoken word and far from Dr. Seuss; say hello to the parlance of poker. No longer resigned to the backrooms of Western saloons (very smoky, very Maverick, always black and white) or Friday nights with the boys (beer, bets, and babe talk), it seems everyone is speaking the colloquialism of cards.

Three hundred and thirty Harvard students list poker as one of their interests on facebook.com, as compared with the 316, for example, who include “Family Guy,” or the 321 who list “drinking” as a personal hobby. It’s hard to believe that seven-card-stud could beat out Stewie Griffin and Captain Jack (excuse me, did someone just say stud?). But poker doesn’t only have fans on campus. It has also merited a weekly sports column in the New York Times, spawned a celebrity showdown on Bravo—which featured the likes of Oksana Baiul and Martin Sheen—and fueled a merchandising explosion; you can even play poker on your cell phone.

But poker isn’t simply leisure, it’s also quite lucrative. One Facebook group claims, “This group is dedicated to those who love the 5 dolla’ buy in and occasionally like to get pricey with the $10. Pretty much, if you’re a gambler, we’re here to help you get your fix. Whenever, wherever, as long as the money is green and your game isn’t weak.” Forget about chilling out, you friendly card sharks, and start cashing in. Leave “Go Fish” to the kids and consider dishing out instead. Why play gin rummy when you can win money?

And I’m not talking penny change. Between Texas Hold ‘em in the Dunster dining hall and shootout tournaments on the weekends, poker aficionados can earn several hundred dollars each week. This profit pontential is prompting many players, in school and out, to pursue higher stakes and bigger returns from the newest house around (no, not the Bee): the web. Between empire.com, poker.com, and Mrsupergames.com, any 18-year-old can sign in and ante up, playing up to 60 hands an hour. At $10 a hand, 60 hands an hour, 10 hours a week… well, you’re getting the dealer, I mean deal.

Despite the dough involved and the addiction invited, however, this isn’t your grandfather’s gambling; serious student players now consider cards their career. But it’s a questionable vocational field at best—online poker sites are illegal in the U.S., and commonly charge their customers without any reference to gaming.

In addition to approaching illegality, dot-com poker also undermines the social nature of card-playing, the very characteristic that has preserved its popularity over the years. A web gamer may gain familiarity with JaCKA55’s tendency to fold early or might begin to expect HOUSEthis to bluff with a six pair when playing online, but he won’t learn how to bond with the boys while placing bets on the net. (I apologize for assuming a male subject throughout this piece…women and cards deserve another column entirely.)

When poker first gained a following on Mississippi riverboats in the mid 1800s—think adolescent Abe Lincoln—four players divided up a deck of 20 cards between one another, and then bet on who held the most valuable hand. Traditional poker mavens thus depended upon their ability to analyze human expression, a skill made obsolete by keyboards and screen names. A lip twitch there, a cleared-throat here, and a sharp intake of breath from competition to the left—these were the precursors to quick uploads and winning odds. Bluffing was an art; graphic animation counted for little. Strategic smiles meant more than statistical breakdowns.

And so today, when we no longer play eye-to-eye at all, when we click-and-drag hands instead of shaking them, and when we worry more about computer hackers than card Houdinis, what then happens to the poker face?

Not only will we forget how to hide the ace up our sleeve, but neither will we remember how to read into the heart of a matter. Instead of learning to understand personality, a generation of “grinders” is predicting percentages and pounding out the numbers. Why bother disciplining the sixth sense when a group of MIT students have already shown that simple smarts can bring down the house?

Relationships rarely follow formulas and conversation cannot be calculated, but online poker does provide some numeric guarantees—a little Cesar’s Palace, a lot of probability. Patiently playing these odds has become appealing to many, and the anonymity of a computer site seems comfortingly secure. Yes, the web is a place where percentages play out, personal politics matter little, and smart players can cash in; that’s what we call a jackpot.

But when it comes to poker, when it comes to games, when it comes to the hand we’re dealt in this world, let’s not forget who else is at the table. We’re the most valuable wild cards.



Victoria B. Ilyinsky ’07 is a romance languages and literatures concentrator in Leverett House. Her column appears on alternate Thursdays.


EDITORS' NOTE

The Oct.