Derailed

Directed by Mikael Håfström

The Weinstein Company

1/2 star





Bad things happen when people cheat in relationships: break-ups and divorces; sexual and emotional inadequacies; listening to Coldplay. Rarely though, does infidelity lead to life-threatening blackmail by a French thug or the martyrdom of The Wu-Tang Clan’s The RZA. In my limited experience, at least.

However in “Derailed,” the appallingly bad star vehicle for post-“Friends” Jennifer Aniston and never-Bond Clive Owen, anything is possible.

The “thrilling” plot—which aspires to twist and turn but really lurches and falls off the tracks—is, ostensibly, the story of dissatisfied corporate executives Charles Schine (Owen) and Lucinda Harris (Aniston) who meet on a Chicago train and cautiously flirt before attempting an affair. Their unfaithful tryst is interrupted by a mugger who beats up Charles and rapes Lucinda; the mugger is actually an overtly villainous and obnoxiously French criminal, Phillippe Laroche (Vincent Cassell) who, with the help of sidekick Dexter (Xzibit of “Pimp My Ride”), proceeds to stalk Charles and demand high blackmail payments; Charles cannot go to the police because Lucinda refuses to make a statement of a her rape; Charles’s life spirals increasingly out of control. Plus, his daughter has diabetes. Yes, they go there.

The fault largely lies in Stuart Beattie’s script, which fails to capture any of the thrill or urban grit of his noir masterpiece “Collateral” or any of the wit and slap-dash charm of his “Pirates of the Caribbean.” The anatomy of the affair fails to intrigue the audience with its bland dialogue and the utter lack of chemistry between Owen and Aniston. Charles picks up Lucinda by setting a $20 bet that he can kiss her without touching her lips (he intentionally loses). Puh-lease, that’s the kind of line a Delphic guy would pull, not one of the hottest sex symbols in current cinema. The scenes play like “Unfaithful” remade by Michael Bay.

As always, Aniston simply lets her hair do the acting. Her oh-so-wide emotional range suggests she’s too much of a frigid bitch to imagine that she’d actually be sexually deviant. Perhaps why Mr. Pitt left her for Angelina…

The constant, predictable pitfalls of the underdeveloped characters invoke no real audience sympathies or concern other than one for Owen himself, who was so unfortunate as to be in this movie rather than the upcoming “Casino Royale.” Unlike the intense emotionality Owen was able to display in his performance as the betrayed Larry in “Closer,” here he seems simply uncomfortable by the vulnerability of his limited character. Likewise, Cassell reprises his Gallic villain from “Ocean’s Twelve” with only minimal success; he’s genuinely creepy, but it is seriously doubtable that the slender French sleazeball could actually strike fear in the exceedingly masculine Owen (think of Dwight in “Sin City”).

The real mystery of the film—beyond how the director failed to incite a sexual spark between the gorgeous leads—is why Robert “The RZA/Ruler Zig-Zag-Zig Allah/ Rzarector Prince Rakeem/” Diggs was cast as its moral center and tragic antihero. The hip-hop MC, best known for his work in the East Coast hardcore crew the Wu-Tang Clan, has also composed film soundtracks, including those of both “Kill Bill”’s and “Blade: Trinity.” While his musical skill and influence on rap is undeniable, his laughable performance as the ex-convict confidante Winston is simply not the crossover stuff of Snoop Dogg. It’s a particularly strange choice considering that the movie is not at all intended for The RZA’s demographic.

Among the “gangsta proverbs” Winston issues to Charles is that when “your back is against the wall, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.” Charles takes this maxim to heart as he heroically attempts to avenge Winston’s murder and to reclaim his family’s honor and his money in pursuing Laroche (complete with dramatic soundtrack, slow motion shoot-out scenes and the nod of the saintly Giancarlo Esposito). Thereby, “Derailed” proves that cheating is really bad, but taking law and order into one’s own hands is just fine, as long as you are guided by The RZA.

­­—Staff writer Kristina M. Moore can be reached at moore2@fas.harvard.edu.