THE BELL LAP: The Facebook Power Awards

The best ways to take advantage of Facebook's stalker potential

Matthew R. Conroy

Follow the Bell Lap's surveillance techniques next time you're scrolling for a potential mate.

We don’t want to burst anyone’s bubble here, but it’s a fact that Harvard dudes are by far the creepiest people on the Facebook. It is no coincidence that the FSU girl whom Schonberger attempted to e-mail during last week’s Lamont sleepover now has 100 friends at Harvard. Whenever there is something slightly shady going down on the site, you can bet your UC vote that Harvard dudes are all over it. This makes sense for two obvious reasons: 1) Harvard students had the Facebook first and have had ample time to hone their Internet stalking skills. 2) Dudes at Harvard are mad bored the majority of the time.

After a careful canvassing of the habits of some of our less savory acquaintances, we are proud to present the 2005 Facebook Power Move Awards for most inspired use of Facebook resources. In this competition, creepiness is novelty. Depression is innovation. Finkle is Einhorn.

Boldest Move

A few days before the weekend arrives, change your birthday to the upcoming Saturday. Mad people who only sort of know you will see this and subconsciously think, “If I see this person I will be nice to him and, if push comes to shove, I may juice him.”

This move will also help separate the wheat from the chaff in terms of your “true friends,” whatever that means. Ideally you would pull this move every week and have someone post “Party at Phatty’s!!!!!!” on your wall so you could capitalize on your increased desirability.

In reality you could probably pull it off three times a year, not including your actual birthday (which, incidentally, you could probably just skip).

Most Depressing Move

Looking at your ex’s community webshots or Facebook pictures for hours while listening to the Krok’s “50th Reunion” version of Loch Lomond with a look of lusty sadness on your face.

As an addendum, it is mad depressing to “research” the various people who have posted on your ex’s wall and try to decipher their reasons for doing so.

Creepiest Moves

When it comes down to it, everything about Facebook is pretty creepy. There were too many to count for this category, but here are some highlights:

1. Some people have separate groupings on their AIM buddy lists for “High School” and “College.” Some have “Playas” and “Hoes,” or “Blacks” and “Whites.” But true aficionados utilize the information on Facebook to create a heading in their buddy list called, “Hot Girls I Don’t Know.” This allows you to check their away messages frequently and—creepier still—plan your schedule to deliberately cross paths with them.

2.It’s one thing to hope for attractive girls in your section at the beginning of a new semester. It’s quite another to check the “status” of each of your section members based on the original e-mail the TF sends welcoming you call to the class, thus allowing you to decide a priori what kind of “face” to put on for this class.

3. Everyone knows that the “View More Photos of…” section of Facebook is the greatest human innovation since Nintendo 64. While perusing one hot girl’s pictures, you soon find yourself manically opening new tabs or windows in your web browser to explore the pictures of every hot girl in any of the original girl’s pictures. This sparks a massive chain reaction which only the likes of a supercomputer like Deep Blue could truly handle—depending on what school you were looking at, obviously. Oh, snap!

4.Poke!

Anti-Power Award for Lamest Move

Being in a group that represents your high school when the “Basic Info” section already includes your alma mater is the best way to say “amateur.” Why do you need to emphasize that you went to a Catholic school with a bunch of other window shoppers?

Also, it’s amazing that this needs to be said, but bragging about going to public school, “bitch,” is possibly the wackest thing any human being can ever do. Oh, really? You lived in a suburb filled with rich white people that paid high taxes and furnished the best public school in the state?

Wow. You’re about as hard as an octogenarian watching a Christina Aguilera video. You may have 644 facebook friends, but in reality you probably have about as many friends as the contemporary Joey Tribiani.