Too Haut for thefacebook

Group-grubbing freshman is member of 1,100 facebook groups...but for how long?

Ravi P. Ramchandani

Believe it or not, Bryan A. Haut ’08 has not listed “mass group joining” or “pissing people off” under his interests section on thefacebook.com. Sometimes, of course, thefacebook lies.

Haut’s membership in over 1,100 facebook groups has won him a notoriety among his class perhaps not seen since Natalie Portman ’03 rolled the streets of the Square two years ago. But unlike Queen Amidala, Haut’s notoriety is not the kind Biggie Smalls bragged about. Mention his name in mixed first-year company and a chorus of groans will almost certainly ensue.

It all started with a night of sleeplessness and boredom. In an attempt to see how long he could make his facebook profile, Haut decided to join as many groups as possible. Eleven hundred joinings later, Haut emerged as a man unbound by the unwritten rules of facebook-whoring and crawled back to bed. Who knew he would wake up famous?

“It is his medium,” says girlfriend Kristi A. Fenstermacher ’08. “Some paint, some sing—he Facebooks. It just comes naturally.”

Not everyone respects the art. As Haut’s profile lengthened, word got around about his promiscuity. Some people got pissed. Then, this being Harvard, they came together and formed “I Don’t Know Who Bryan Haut Is, But He Can’t Be In This Group”—whose membership Haut promptly requested.

Their swift rejection did not bother Haut “in the slightest,” he says. Haut of all people, respected the group’s irony. He was used to dealing with power-drunk group administrators.

“The fact that I was in both a pro-popped-collar group and an anti-popped-collar group caused quite a bit of strife,” he says. “To placate the anti-popped collar group, I sent them a picture of me wearing a shirt with the collar in the proper manner, but apparently this wasn’t enough to convince them that I had solidarity with their cause.”

Despite his success and newfound facebook fame, Haut says his glory days are over: “I see about 1,100 facebook group leavings in my future.” When this magazine went to press, his profile had slimmed down significantly. A photo of his, er, hindside remained, as did quotes from funnyman Douglas Adams. But all group memberships had disappeared.

Haut says he has one final question for the group elitists who keep kicking him out: “Where is the love?”

We guess they’re probably just jealous. With an ass like that, who wouldn’t be?