LESS FUNNY, MORE SAD
Lynn Cheney, Joe Lieberman, and Tipper Gore, you triumvirate of wisdom, you: the moment of vindication is now. Last weekend, having finally given up her apparently hopeless pursuit of a boyfriend, one female junior needed inspiration. So she turned (where else?) to the O.C. When Marissa Cooper’s luck with men ran dry, she hit the bottle—and then, of course, she hit the boobies.
Having already exhausted the first option, boobs were it. She quickly logged onto thefacebook.com to check out her options. Women seeking women are a rare but choice catch. The only question left: will she videotape her conquest and broadcast it to a national audience, hyping the final liplock months before it happens and then, finally, in the last five minutes of the crucial episode, pulling through with what turns out to be a really-not-that-satisfying finish?
That remains to be seen.
IT AIN’T COLE PORTER 108 Tongues, New Haven’s premiere pack of over-privileged, questionably talented, college-age rappers, is at it again. After sticking it to Harvard with their pigskin anthem “The Game 2004” (“Fuck with us, we’ll leave you limpin’, you know Yalies stay pimpin’”), the sextet of ballin’ Bulldogs shifted their playa-hating focus onto less lofty targets: namely, nubile newlywed singers. In “Toxic Prophet,” group member Citizen Q lays down a semi-coherent rap over the strains of Britney’s “Toxic.”
Q, who hails from “Damnhattan” (we assume he’s talking about the, uh, Upper “Beast” Side) and is rumored to be the son of a prominent liberal columnist, has an Eminem vibe going on until he starts singing over the chorus, when things turn decidedly Vanilla Ice. Not like “Toxic” has ever featured a particularly pleasant vocal track, but sometimes you gotta know when to draw the whiteboy line.
Download the track at: http://pantheon.yale.edu/~jgc23/.
—Michael M. Grynbaum
SCIENCE PROVES SUMMERS WRONG Male scientists who do good research succeed because they’re just so womanly, an actual study has found. The University of Bath’s Mark Brosnan—who seems to have no reason to make Larry Summers look dumb in such a timely fashion—drew his conclusion from a careful study of the index fingers of successful male and female researchers.
Fingers of the male pool tended to be longer than the average male’s, he found—a trait explained by unusually high levels of estrogen. You know, the female hormone. Turns out a little bit of extra breast fat can go a long way in the laboratory.
President Larry Summers did not mention the breaking news in his special edition faculty meeting Tuesday. But Rush Limbaugh sure did. The man who in the last week has stepped nobly to Summers’ defense threw another piece of research right back at the man from Bath: apparently, German scientists have concluded that short index fingers—and thus less estrogen—are also linked to better driving and spatial skills.
As usual, Gadfly sides with Rush. Who cares about “scientific research skills” when you’ve got big Daddy truck skills?
-Elizabeth W. Green
TLC 4 THE PREZ Man, President Summers could really use some Tommy’s right about now. Seriously—just one slice of that greasy, delicious pizza. Damn. All his troubles would drain away like our motivation to come up with a fresh joke on this subject.
Get this man a slice!