The MACerbator Could Return

Sweating, self-loving, and unavoidable

One Harvard affiliate decided to focus on an oft-overlooked muscle group and to give his wrist some, ahem, vigorous exercise last month at the Malkin Athletic Center (MAC). Rather than pump iron, this man decided to pump something else—in the men’s locker room. Yes, ndorphins weren’t the only thing released during one post-workout shower.

On March 24, the Harvard University Police Department (HUPD) investigated a report of possible masturbation, according to the police log. HUPD was called after a man was seen masturbating by another patron in the open shower of the men’s locker room, says a member of the MAC staff. Unfortunately, this self-loving bandit managed to escape before he could be apprehended. Following fruitless investigation, the case was recently closed.

Were the man identified, he would face charges of either “lewd and lascivious” or “open and gross” behavior. Even grosser is the fact that HUPD reports that they’re not virgins to this sort of complaint: there have been previous reports of this indecent behavior taking place in the MAC showers.

As the masturbator remains loose, our showers remain unsafe. Staff members say that they received an e-mail instructing them to be on the lookout for suspicious locker room behavior. But because putting video cameras in the locker rooms would be both sketchy and really, really unconstitutional, no other measures can be taken to protect our showers. MAC lovers beware—don your shower shoes, because the tiled floors may be “slippery when wet” for more than one reason.