HARVARD: NOT SO SECULAR AFTER ALL
Last Wednesday Gadfly received an urgent call from a shrewd, red-haired friend: “UHS is burning down!” He added, in a hushed whisper: “My fair lady!” Confused, we headed up Mount Auburn Street to investigate. Sure enough, the upper Gold Coast was chock-a-block with police cars, ambulances, firefighters, the works. Had the flambé chef at Finale gone a little overboard on his last crème brulée? Or did the illegal microbrewery in the Spee basement finally catch fire? (Kidding!) We tried asking the man in blue directing sidewalk traffic away from the Holyoke Center patio, but he was stayin’ mum. Finally, an obliging onlooker gave us the scoop: The bushes outside the UHS entrance had started smoking and flaming.
Our witness attributed the incident to discarded cigarette butts, but she clearly hadn’t spent last weekend watching the Family Resource Council’s “Justice Sunday” special. (Btw: Fuck filibusters!) Gadfly knew better. In this time of crisis and change – new popes, liberals trying to run our values into the Satan-worshipping ground – the appearance of a Burning Bush on Mount Auburn Street could only mean one thing: God is back, and he’s pissed.
As a nouveau Mount Zion, Harvard makes sense. We’ve got tons of Golden Calf worshippers (read: econ majors) and four years here can sometimes feel a lot like four decades wanderin’ in the desert. The timing – a few days before Passover and its traditional network television screening of The Ten Commandments – also fit.
So—what did The Big Guy have to say for Himself? Unfortunately, not much. Like a vengeful Moses smashing the tablets, the Cambridge fire department doused the flames and cleared the smoke, leaving only the scattered detritus of a few dead plants.
But don’t worry—like another certain celebrity-turned-politician, He’ll be back.
—Michael M. Grynbaum
A Longy Road Home
After a bit too much bling with some Thetas last week, a certain Quadling stumbled back home on Garden Street. Unfortunately, the Longy School of Music got in his way. Undeterred by the unexpected road block, the resourceful young man took a shortcut through the back window and out the front door. However, his less-than stealth movements attracted the attention of the Cambridge Police Department (CPD), who descended upon the area. In another move of brilliance and determination, our quick-thinking friend stripped to his boxers and jumped into one of the open beds, hoping to blend in with the other residents. When confronted by police, the Currier resident explained to them that he was “sleepy.”
But the CPD did not buy that and promptly took the junior downtown, where he awoke the next morning with no recollection of the night’s events, no clothes, and a massive headache. Now faced with repeated calls from the Cambridge Po regarding other incidents of break-ins that night, the honest boy can only reply, “It’s possible?”
—Evan R. Johnson
DUMB THINGS PEOPLE SAY
Highlights from a trip into Boston last weekend:
—Woman on the T, talking into cell phone: “Yeah, let’s meet at the Holocaust. … Yeah, the, uh, the Memorial.”
—A college-age couple standing in line for a train. He smiled at her. She smiled at him. Cute. Then he cupped her breasts with his hands and gave a playful squeeze. She smiled more. People standing around them: “[RETCH]”