Letters

Dear FM,

Ben Franklin once wrote, after purchasing The Pennsylvania Gazette, “We will write about kings, we will write about clergymen, we will write about governors and we will write about hoars, but nothing will bring this paper closer to the precipice of disaster than writing about poop.” Even in 1730, Mr. Franklin understood the danger of wielding the double-edged sword that Chris Schonberger handled with ninja-like deftness: that of human feces literature (“The Best Duece in the Land,” Magazine, 4-28-05).

On one hand poop is a writer’s dream, presenting the audience with a hilariously embarrassing bit of shared human experience. On the other hand, an unfunny article about poop, could abruptly end your literary career. On your hand it will almost certainly induce dry heaving.

Thank you Schonberger.

Elias A. Shibley ’05

Quincy House

Dear Chris Schonberger,

I was surprised that a self-proclaimed toilet connoisseur like yoursel has failed to uncover the hidden treasure that is the bathroom of Old Quincy D-51. Hidden away on the top floor of Old Quincy’s middle entry, D-51 doesn’t seem like the spot to stash the best bathroom on campus. But take it from one who basked in its aura for the entirety of sophomore year. D-51 has the best facilities on campus. Easily twice the size of the average freshman common room, one could comfortably install a bed inside the stall on which to lie if he or she were unable to move their bowels’ if such a practice were not commonly frowned upon by “society.”

So, though I no longer inhabit this room and can’t claim to speak for its inhabitants, invite yourself over to Quincy D-51 and see just what kind of shit you’ve been missing.

Sincerely,

Satisfied former resident of Quincy D-51

Chris Schonberger Responds:

Dear Former Deuce-51 resident,

It is perfectly natural to have a soft spot for a familiar shitter. Knowing your surroundings can really help create a relaxed rectum, which ideally results in less wiping and less blood. Fortunately, I have a lot of journalistic integrity, so I did not allow the personal biases of my buttcheeks to influence the list. I have to admit, when I’m in Quincy I usually deuce in the elevator so that I can say to the people getting in, “Enjoy the SMELLevator!”

If it feels clean you still have to double-check,

Chris

UNTAPPED ASS

Hi,

I have a comment about last week’s FM, and your article on H Bomb (“Beefier Than Ever,” Magazine, 4-28-05).

Something in the article is misleading. H Bomb’s editors say they had no problem finding models, that people were happy to do it: maybe so. But there was one more person looking for a chance to experience self-exploration in the buff. Me.

I’ve always had self-esteem issues with my body, mostly related to my bulging biceps and rock hard abs.

So when I found out about H Bomb, I saw it as a perfect chance to finally help me feel comfortable in my own skin.

However, when I tried to find contact information for how to become an H Bomb model, it was not really available. Defeated and disheartened, I stopped looking. Now my nude modeling is limited to my mirror, my roommates and my webcam....I wanted so much more.

H Bomb should allow all students to discover themselves through the beautiful art of nude modeling. I wasn’t given that chance, and this grievance shall fester.

Adieu.

Andrew “The Chief” Lipkin ’08

FM Responds:

Wow, that is totally unfortunate. Can I have your number?

Meghan M. Dolan ’06