O, Woe is Me

Senator Rick Santorum (R-Pa.), the great American sage, once said “As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else…It’s being drawn to Iraq and it’s not being drawn to the U.S. You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don’t want the Eye to come back here to the United States.” But in the wake of last week’s elections it seems that the worst fears of the Santorum prophecy have been realized: the Eye of Mordor has come home to roost.

Indeed, November 7, 2006, has earned the ignominious distinction of being the new “Black Tuesday.” Our children and grandchildren will remember that day as the day America lost to the terrorists, the gays, the feminists, the abortionists, the flag-burners, the atheists, the minorities, the college students, and the middle-class. We pray for and sympathize with Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.), who told reporters last month that if the Democrats took control of the Senate, he would contemplate suicide.

What will become of our great nation without the Grand Old Party to guide her?

We understand that nothing can be done to fix the electorate’s grave mistake; there are no hanging chads to save America this time. But we hope that by shedding light on the nonexistent Democratic “plan,” someone will be able to terminate the San Francisco-born, Harvard-educated, Neville Chamberlain-admiring, pansexual liberals. Yes, Arnold, we’re looking at you.

For starters, what does it say to illegal immigrants if a woman named “Velazquez” is the future head of the House Small Business Committee? The ascent of minorities will lead to a crisis of leadership, and Grandma Pelosi (D-Calif.)—mother of five, grandmother of five—will be too busy turning the House into “the Home” to stop it.

Across Capitol Hill things won’t be much better. We fear that Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) will remove Lady Freedom from the cupola and replace her with a Mormon cross. The religious Left won’t stop until services are held in the House chambers themselves!

Progress is sure to come to a halt as vindictive Democrats distract the nation from its real work and focus its attention on an inconsequential gaff—the Iraq war. But without luminaries such as Conrad Burns (R-Mont.), who will remind us of the “enemy that’s a taxi cab driver in the daytime, but a killer at night?” Meanwhile, the government will throw away billions of dollars on lowering student loan interest rates and providing healthcare to more Americans.

Terrorists have already danced in the streets over America’s presumed course change. We can only hope that the Republican minority will be able to frustrate the radical left’s insidious campaign to Pelosify America. Filibuster, anyone? And even if the Democrats try to push through their homosexual agenda or their “let’s plan wars” agenda or their anti-SUV agenda, the righteous will prevail, because God is on our side—our “Mission Accomplished” banner will fly yet again. That is, barring any orc invasions, Republican suicides, or killer taxi cab drivers.

But we cannot help but be pessimistic. Without the Great Santorum to guide it, the 110th Congress will inevitably succumb to the homo-eroticization of American culture, San-Franciscan femi-nazis, dissolute youth, or all of the above. But fret not fellow patriots—there’s always 2008!