A Good Place to Come Out

John and Mary seemed like the perfect Christian couple. They attended church and Bible study every week, were active in the church community, and supported one another in their faith. But after 12 years of marriage, John told Mary that he is not attracted to her, but rather is attracted to men; he longs for a meaningful, emotional connection with a man. He fantasizes about men all the time, ever since he was a little boy, but never acknowledged these feelings because he grew up in a conservative environment where the only acceptable way to deal with these emotions was to repress them. They are now contemplating divorce.

John and Mary are not alone. According to “The Social Organization of Sexuality,” a 1990 study, 3.9 percent of married or formerly married men in the U.S. had engaged in sexual activities with men in the previous five years. The lead author, Edward O. Laumann, a sociologist at the University of Chicago, estimated that two to four percent of ever-married American women had been in what are now called mixed-orientation marriages. While there are a myriad of complicated factors that could induce BGLT (bi-sexual, gay, lesbian and transgender) men and women to enter into heterosexual marriages, it is a tragedy when they do so because conservative religious environments force them to repress their sexual orientation.

For students from conservative religious backgrounds, or even those from small towns in red states, college is an opportune time to come out. Harvard is arguably one of the most gay-friendly campuses, with an active Harvard Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian, Transgender, and Supporters Alliance (BGLTSA) and other support groups like Contact. In addition, BGLT students can speak with BGLT professors, graduate students, other BGLT friends, or understanding straight friends. It would be a shame for these students to spend four years here, where there are so many great resources to help them figure out their sexuality, but fail to do so and end up back in a conservative town or religious community devoid of these assets.

Harvard’s welcoming religious communities are also a nice change from the hostility shown by religious communities elsewhere. This past Sunday, the priest at St. Paul’s, Harvard’s Catholic church, delivered a homily exhorting Catholics to love everyone—short, tall, white, black, gay, and straight—because God loves everyone. While he did not address whether being gay is a sin, the priest’s homily conveys acceptance towards gays that is unfortunately absent from many Christian communities around the country.

Harvard’s Catholic Student’s Association (CSA) also has a group for BGLT students called Cornerstone. Its online description reads, “Cornerstone is a CSA group that seeks the full enfranchisement of Catholic BGLT students. The group is welcoming, inclusive, and respectful of diverse sexual and spiritual identities. Furthermore, it offers a support system for those trying to understand the way in which their sexuality relates to the Catholic faith.” A similar organization BAGELS, affiliated with Harvard Hillel, exists for Jewish students.

Obviously, discussing one’s sexual identity is often very difficult. Depending on a person’s social circle, hometown, religion, and family background, this can be an even harder decision. Some gay students reading this may be thinking, “Well, straight girl, who are you to tell me to make this difficult choice that you won’t ever have to make?” I realize that I don’t have the right to tell people how to live their lives, but just as I beg a friend with an eating disorder to seek help, I would tell someone who is struggling with their sexuality to begin to address it and find someone to talk to. Being gay isn’t a problem; but being gay and keeping it a secret can lead to great unhappiness.

I obviously can’t say that being an openly gay Christian will be easy for those whose faith prohibits them from acknowledging their sexuality. But I do know that there are openly gay Christians, such as Pusey Minister in the Memorial Church Peter J. Gomes, and that same-sex marriage ceremonies are performed by Unitarian Universalist churches, some Quaker congregations, and by the Metropolitan Community Church. For gay Jews, some Reform and Reconstructionist Jewish synagogues perform same-sex marriages.

Cornerstone chair Michael S. Rooney ’07 says, “Condemnations of homosexuality in the Bible almost invariably refer to aggressive sexual acts, such as rape, or to the religious rituals practiced by opposing sects. Never does the Bible make any comment on the moral nature of a committed, loving homosexual relationship.” As Rooney demonstrates, there are ways to reconcile social and religious norms with sexual orientation, and BGLT students should begin this difficult but important process at Harvard, which offers some great resources and understanding peers with whom to share your experiences.



Loui Itoh ’07 is a government and comparative study of religion concentrator in Quincy House. Her column appears regularly.