You hear it every year: if you freak out during an exam and have to be whisked away to UHS, you’ll be held “incommunicado.” That’s what they think: FM is here with 15 ways to reach the outside world if the “man” has got you on lockdown.
1) Flicker the lights in Morse Code with the hope that a steamy Navy Seal is standing near the window and can use his bulging muscles to rescue you from captivity.
2) Tap frantically on any and all pipes in the room in the attempt to get the attention of any neighbors using their restrooms/sinks/kitchen appliances.
3) Scale the wall like a ninja and position yourself above the doorframe so when the unsuspecting proctor walks in to check on you, you can pounce on your victim and make a mad dash for the exit.
4) Use the Force.
5) Hide a Razr somewhere on your body as they drag you away. Possible areas of concealment include: between your butt cheeks or stuck to your chest with a piece of gum.
6) Bribery could always work: convince the proctor to let you use his or her cellphone. Ladies, bat your eyelashes, guys, flex those guns...or try to win them over with that $5.63 left on your BoardPlus.
7) Remember watching that movie about Helen Keller when you were in grade school? Think back to the lessons of Annie Sullivan and use sign language (don’t lie, you still know how to sign the alphabet) to communicate to passersby.
8) Just walk out. The proctors are too old to see you anyway.
9) Use your own blood to write a note on a paper airplane. Launch the airplane out the window.
10) Catch an unsuspecting pigeon, attach a
rolled up note to its leg and tell it to look for help (it worked for Harry Potter!).
11) Find two cups (HUDS, Solo Cups, Starbucks, anything will do), and a piece of string (braided body hair works well too) to make one of those old-school treehouse phones. Hang one end out the window and hope someone decides to listen.
12) Start babbling incoherently, convincing all in near proximity that you are having some sort of psychiatric breakdown from the stress of reading period. As they rush you out to UHS, claim that you were speaking in tongues and accuse them of persecuting you for your religion. When asked what religion that might be, become evasive and start babbling again.
13) Use your powers of animal empathy to communicate with Harvard Yard squirrels. They can chew through your bonds and, working as a team, carry you to freedom.
14) Replace a few strands of your hair with garotte wire. Too intense for you? Fine, fail your final.
15) Burrow into Harvard’s network of steam tunnels and escape to the relative freedom-from-grades of the Business School.