THE PREMISE:

Per long-standing tradition, FM’s second Annual Fast Fashion Challenge began on Thursday at noon when four student-designers were sent out, on FM’s dime, to create a complete outfit evoking the theme “Metropolis.” Be back by noon. Oh, and don’t spend more than 24 dollars.

After much dumpster diving and duct-taping, the four designers managed to straggle back to the Crimson (but, alas, not all by noon) with outfits in tow, and the show was ready to begin.

THE SHOW:

Ironically, the first to arrive in the Sanctum of The Crimson was not a loving fan or bleary-eyed designer, but notorious VES celebrity Orchard Professor in the History of Landscape Development John R. Stilgoe. As he stalked the makeshift catwalk, the lower level of The Crimson teamed with last minute activity. Thea S. Morton ’06-’08 was taping, Kathleen H. Chen ’09 was pinning, Lucy W. Baird ’10 was chatting with her model, and Alexandra M. Hays ’09 was... nowhere to be found.

It was only after the rest of the celebrity judges—Senior Preceptor in Romance Languages and Literatures Marlies Mueller, and Logan S. McCarty, preceptor in chemistry and chemical biology—arrived at the scene that Hays made her appearance. Models gathered to receive instructions while the designers took their seats among adoring fans and fashionistas. After a confusing explanation of “walk away from the judges, pose, walk towards the judges, pose, and then sit down” (repeated thrice for the sake of the models) M. “MC” Aidan Kelly ’08 gave the cue for the music—and the show—to begin.

First to walk the walk was Eva Xia ’06, sporting Morton’s FM-inspired newspaper skirt and a backless corporate vest gone wild. Not present in the show was a large fake animal masquerading as a coat, which Morton feared would create a Janet Jackson-moment if removed dramatically.

Amid gasps from the audience, long-limbed Erinn V. Westbrook ’10 appeared, clad in Baird’s Grecian-inspired navy and gold cocktail dress. As Westbrook struck numerous sultry poses, the gold train swirled around her while matching gold pumps clacked to the rockin’ beats of Abercombie & Fitch’s “Catwalk Music.”

Vibeke Angelle was the next to rock the catwalk, immediately proving that Hays’s creation had been well worth the wait. The architectural ensemble, with a stiff black collar and dress, was rounded off by a gothic tattoo enticingly encircling Angelle’s neck.

Finally, giggling as she strode through the doors, came model Anne E. Austin ’10. Wearing a lacy black and white dress, adorned with a train of like-colored flowers, Austin evoked the image of a flower girl... gone slightly emo.

After much tumultuous applause, Kelly—wearing a striking crimson Yves St. Laurent tie and tailored black suit—turned the stage over to the judges.

THE JUDGMENT:

If the walking directions were difficult, it was nothing to the strenuous questions that the judges and audience posed to the designers. Xia, unable to sit in her paper skirt, stepped forward as Morton explained the metropolicity of her outfit. She used found materials—newspapers recycled from the Crimson—to illustrate the gritty underbelly of city life. But the creation had its drawbacks: under interrogation, Morton admitted that the dress wasn’t very practical for day-to-day use.

Baird faced the tribunal next. Her wrap dress was inspired by “the original metropolis”... Ancient Greece? The judges were particularly wowed by her craftsmanship and praised the “pure form” of her ensemble. The main attraction for Mueller, however, was not form or function, sexiness or metropolicity, but rather the striking colors and utility of the dress.

“My piece is appropriate if you’re traveling and you might get sleepy,” Hays said, explaining the vampiric collar stuffed with teddy-bear fluff topping off her corseted dress. Her piece was deemed “very creative” by Professor McCarty, but Hays was marked off for exceeding the 24 hour limit. Her seven hour tardiness, however, was balanced by her left-over $20. After all, she will have to buy a new teddy bear.

Chen, whose piece was intended for a night out on the town, explained that the metropolicity of her outfit was exhibited in the contrasting “soot” and “clean” colors. Impressed judges were slightly skeptical of Chen’s budget. Mueller pointed out that the fabric “looked expensive,” to which Chen responded, “Good!”

THE VERDICT:

After intense deliberation—basing decisions on creativity, craftsmanship, “je ne sais quoi,” sex appeal, and metropolocity—the judges declared the unanimous winner: Lucy “Goddess of Design” Baird.

After being bowed out of the Sanctum, a review of the scorecards ensued... and they were blank. Out of principle, the two humanities judges declined to give numerical scores.

“I’m from VES,” said Professor Stilgoe.

FM, unable to count past 15, was more than understanding.

Competition: Metropolitan