Prepare to Shart Your Pants

H. Max Huber ’09 and Walter E. Howell ’09 take over Hollywood, one vampire at a time

You ever heard of that book, “A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man,” by James Joyce? That’s like our lives.

“What?” You might ask. I’ll tell you what. Shut up.

We’re artists. One might call us jokesters, magicians, or funny men.

You don’t believe it? Deal. This is our endpaper—NOT YOURS! We were asked to write it, and you are just going to have to live with it for at least 800 words.

Maybe 700 if we include lots of lengthy exclamations that don’t mean anything. Like this: Blaarrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that we understand each other, let us introduce ourselves. We’re Max and Walt, Movie Producers. Or at least aspiring ones. Oh, you think we aren’t cool? Uhh, well, you see those two righteous dudes over there, yeh, right next to this story? That’s us. Thank you for the apology, we won’t destroy you now.

Hey, we got a question for you all out there in dreamland: do you know where movies come from? Uteri, originally, but after that? Dragons. Dragons who make beautiful, beautiful babies. Of art.

We’ve been dismayed lately. We’re seeing so many of our fellow seniors at Harvard literally losing their minds about jobs, consulting, investment banking, saving the world. Last week, our friend bought a Venus flytrap and cut off its head. Just to teach it a lesson. That crazy.

So here’s our remedy—the creative process.

Call it the Huber-Howell project, and we’re ready to drop some D’s on this hoe. If you want to ride on this pain train, betta buy yo ticket. For $9.95. No C.O.D.’s. Twenty dollar value!

Check these ideas that we’ve got coming out of the proverbial pipeline, the proverbial pooper shooter. Just sit back and sip on a little Juicy Juice while sucking on our mind grapes!

Let’s talk shop:

Movie #1: Vampires v. Zombies

To begin, a shoutout because we can. Our good friend, Roberto Padwan, helped us with this glorious conception. This guy is such an artist, you would probably crap your pants if you saw him. And his words? Oh, they would explode your mind grapes. So he’s not writing. You’re welcome.

FYI, this movie will be more epic than anything ever created ever, including, but not limited to, kicking the butt of BOTH the Holy Bible and Twilight. Suck it Stephenie Meyer. But, still, Go Jesus!

Imagine a world, a world much like this one, where vampires are living among us, out in the open (like True Blood, but better). Vampires comprise the highest echelons of society. Warren Buffet: vampire. Kofi Annan: vampire. Tom Brady: vampire. Booyah.

But this ain’t no crazy-ass vampires that can survive on animal blood. (Suck it, Stephenie Meyers, again!) Keeeeyyyyyahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They need human blood. The humans are like their cattle. Hence, a symbiotic relationship in this Brave New World is forged.

But then, you see, this one day, zombie invasion!

That’s right, they start infecting everyone, making humans UNDRINKABLE!

Solution: I think you know. Vampire plus human swat team to destroy all them zombies. And let’s just say something right here: the apocalypse never looked so cool.

The cast: Lead vampire: James Franco. Lead human: the Rock. Lead zombie: Your mom. Am I right???

Movie #2: Poodle Overload!

This, my friends, is our tour de force. Our magnum opus. Our eggs benedict, if you will.

Psyche! It’s better than that.

Imagine a world where poodles are literally everywhere. They’re in your bathtubs, in your back yards, in your local pet retailer shop. Pretty scary, right?

That’s what we thought. Then we doubled it. Then brought it to life.

Prepare to shart your pants, oh world out there, because this train is off its tracks, and IT’S NOT FUNNY!

For the residents of one small Missouri town, overrun totally with poodles, Poodle Day is not just one day of the year. It’s every day of the year.

We’re talking poodles everywhere, so many that normal capital functions are not functioning. Banaarrrraaannnnggggggggggggggg!!!!!

Like, people go to start their car for work, but they can’t. It’s a problem.

Enter Skulls McTavish, a rebel with a cause—poodle ass-kicking. This rugged, Mad Max-style savage takes prisoners and doesn’t even ask for their names.

He’s got a cool car and a cool leather jacket. Hello, Freeze College Magazine. Get on this, or prepare to die.

The cast: Skulls Mctavish: Max Huber. Love interest: Kate Winslet. Poodles: Yale.

OK. So we know that right about now, you probably thinkin’, “Max and Walt, those movies are like, the dumbest things, I have heard. Like dumber than dining hall lentil stew.” But these are difficult times, and what we want to leave you with is the importance of taking time to just put down that job interview, and let whatever you’re thinking ride onto the paper. We’re talkin’ make some art happen. Squeeze those mind grapes and produce some delicious, tangy art-wine.

We have other films in the works but you’re going to have to wait. That shiz is classified.

Only those who truly believe in the Revolution (that is, our revolution) will see it, and you’re going to think they’re hilarious. And once you read them, send us your feedback to our e-mail addresses, if you can find them. They’re hidden inside a lockbox. Inside your butt.

—Walter E. Howell ’09 is a Government concentrator in Mather House, and H. Max Huber ’09 is an English concentrator in Mather House. If you’re lucky, they’ll drink your blood.