The Crimson’s editorial board puts its slightly cracked crystal ball to work

Emma M. Lind ’09
Editorial chair emeritus

Forced to lower its dues because of the financial crisis, the Porcellian Club will have to lease the Bike Room to a local business. The owners of a mediocre burrito joint and a purveyor of useless but overpriced knickknacks will come to blows over the space, and two WASPs will sustain minor injuries as they flee the kerfuffle. The College will finally remark on the lack of social space on campus.

Ramya Parthasarathy ’09
Editorial chair emeritus

In a desperate attempt to escape the horrors of the Core-Gen Ed transition years, Harvard undergrads, enraptured by the hope of real change they can believe in, will flee to work for The One. President Drew G. Faust will breathe a sigh of relief, as the mass departure of students will provide temporary relief for House overcrowding and allow her to delay costly building renovations until better economic times.

Daniel E. Herz-Roiphe ’10
Editorial chair

Barack Obama will select incoming UC President Andrea R. Flores ’10 as his new Secretary of Commerce. When asked why, he will respond, “Isn’t Ben Schwartz in the Fly?”

James M. Wilsterman ’10
Editorial chair

The Superbowl halftime show will see Chesley B. Sullenberg III landing a plane in Raymond James Stadium. The stunt attention will save the airline industry. Geitner and Summers will be seen practicing for a Ford Escape jump across Wall Street.

Emmeline D. Francis ’11
Associate editorial editor

Girl Talk will return to the Harvard campus to deliver the Commencement speech after feeling bad about his performance, or lack thereof, in November’s Harvard-Yale pep rally.

Jessica A. Sequeira ’11
Associate editorial editor

Realizing that none of its proposals are likely to be adopted in the current economic climate, the Task Force on the Arts will revise its report to include faculty snack time, story time (“childhood literature”), and play time (“dramatic arts”). In its frustration it will also throw paint Picasso-style at University Hall and title it “Greensplat.”

Marcel E. Moran ’11
Associate editorial editor

The Pittsburgh Steelers will win the Superbowl, the Los Angeles Lakers will win the NBA Finals, Tiger Woods will win the British Open, and the Yankees… will not win the World Series.

Alix M. Olian ’11
Associate editorial editor

The university will grind to a halt due to an outbreak of Mad Squash Disease.

Guest Predictor:

Maxwell L. Child '10

The Faculty will be unable to find room for cuts in their departmental budgets to stem the effects of the financial crisis, so spending on student life will be curtailed. (Note: this is not a joke prediction.)