375th by the Numbers

As the 375th anniversary celebration approaches, the hallowed halls of Harvard Yard are abuzz with rumor and anticipation. What could we expect from the University’s commemoration of three whole eighths of a millennium of greatness? Our resident analysts predict:

375 = E – 2P + 30S + N + T

Attendees are invited to enjoy dessert and “view the alumni, House, and graduate school parades.”

E = Anticipated entertainment value = 0.

Before the main event, we’ve been promised “a festive dinner with a menu echoing historic Harvard occasions”: an anonymous source close to HUDS leadership has leaked that the “Great Butter Rebellion of 1766” will be among those recalled.

P = Cases of food poisoning anticipated from eating butter that was made in 1766 = 175.

“Creative party dress appropriate to the season is encouraged.”

S = Number of undergrads that interpret this as an invitation to show off the “Slutty Larry Summers” costume they’ve been putting together for Halloween = 10. (Us.)

Yo-Yo Ma ’76 is promised to appear in a “short musical program enhanced with video and special lighting.”

N = Number of attendees who are really into the strobe lights and video montage of cats doing human things = 420.

We’ve been promised that the night will end with a “birthday cake moment.”

T = Minutes it’ll take Drew Faust to blow out 375 candles = 5.