(Enter Doug, a junior who isn’t actually called Doug.)
DOUG: “It was Halloween, and we were just hanging out in our dorm and looking for a party, like all the freshmen were. We were following the music and somehow we ended up near the Owl. Obviously none of the guys thought we would get in, but we were with a lot of girls so we thought, ‘Yeah, let’s try.’
“It was the first time any of us had been in a club and it was the second month of freshman year. We went upstairs into the foyer type thing and everyone’s dancing: there’s a ton of girls and not that many guys, and we tried to get in on the dancing but some Owl guy said, ‘No, you have to stand out here, you can’t go into the main area.’ He made us go in the backyard or something and that kind of pissed us off. We were in there, but they wouldn’t let us do anything, and I think that motivated what I did later somehow.
“Eventually, we said, ‘Okay, this is really lame,’ so we went downstairs and were about to leave because it wasn’t very fun. And our friend Emma was like, ‘Wait, we should definitely steal something.’ And there was this, like, this great big owl, like, three feet tall and made of bronze—it was like 80 pounds or something. I mean, it was a good looking piece, right, and in our drunken state we decided to take it and not anything smaller.
“So I’m lugging this thing up the stairs of the Owl, like, waddling, it’s so heavy. Then we get to the top and for some reason I veer right instead of left, towards the front door, and I’m waddling right when I just get tackled by this Owl bro and I’m on the ground, like really drunk, like I have no idea what’s going on. And he’s holding the owl, like, this gigantic owl over my head, and he says, ‘Yo, I’m gonna drop this on your head, I’m gonna drop this on your head, tell me who you are, give me your ID.’
“I’ve never been back to the Owl. I hear they don’t care anymore; that’s what I heard from an Owl member. If I got caught, maybe I’d regret it. But it’s a good story.”