One-sided Phone Call with Ryan Fitzpatrick '05

Big Ry, what’s up man?!

Ah damn it, I think he hung up. Let’s call again.

Hey Ryan, it’s Cam-man and Ty.

Cameron and Tyler.

The Winklevi.

The Winklevoss twins ... “The Social Network” ... We went to Harvard together ...

Nothing?

Yeah, yeah ... Those Winklevoss twins.

Come on. “Douchey” is a strong word. But, yes, we did row. Wanna see our medals?

Okay, no worries—that’s cool. So how you been, dude? How’s playing for the Buffalo Bulls?

Bills? Oh yeah, that’s what I meant. You’re really throwing a lot of home runs this year huh?

Yeah, those too. I have to admit we don’t know a lot about football—our parents always said it wasn’t a gentleman’s sport. But obviously we’ve been cheering for our buddy Fitzy this year.

Are you sure nobody calls you that? I think I remember that from hanging with the boys back in the day in Cambridge.

We were never boys? Haha. Oh, stop it. We knew several of the same people.

What we’re calling about? Oh nothing man—just calling to catch up with you. Us famous Crimson athletes have to stick together.

Of course it’s not about your new contract! Why would you say that?

Well, that is true ... hair gel does not pay for itself. But $59 million isn’t even that much, man. We spent that on suits and sunglasses alone last year.

Um, that was just a lucky guess. Is that actually the size of your contract extension? No kidding. Just heard about it from you.

Of course we haven’t spent all our money yet! I mean, sure, we would have more if Suckerberg didn’t steal our idea ... But still, we’re fine.

Well, yeah, that last lawsuit didn’t go as planned—but we totally got screwed by the judge on that one. Plus, we’re suing Aaron Sorkin for libel because we are easily 6’6,” 230 lbs.

I mean, yeah, we have to go interview on “SportsCenter” soon too, but we just wanted to ask if you wanted to make a donation to the Twinklevi Foundation. It’s for kids who get stuff stolen from them.

No, we are so over that website thing. I forget what it’s even called.

Pssh, of course we aren’t going to just keep the money for ourselves. Lots of kids get stuff stolen from them.

Oh yeah, okay—bye FitzDawg. Hit us up if you’re in Cambridge sometime and want to check out the Bike Room!

I think he hung up. Damn.