"Twilight": What We've Learned From the Saga

Friday night will see the release of “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn,” the fourth installment in Bella Swan’s gripping autobiography. The movie carries us through the standard milestones—Bella’s marriage, deflowering, and vampirization—and it is sure to be replete with tiresome werewolf politics and repulsive birth imagery. We looked to the heroine of “Twilight,” Bella Swan, to give the ladies of Harvard some advice from her conjugal coffin of love. Here are her tips for snagging that perfect, pale somebody.

I. Whoever told you that life isn’t like a book or movie was wrong. In fact, your life actually contains elements from “Pride and Prejudice,” “Wuthering Heights,” and especially “Romeo and Juliet.”

II. There’s potential for fucked-up romantic yearnings around every corner! Take them and hold them closely because they might disappear, like my boyfriend does sometimes. Maybe even somewhere in there you’ll get a West Side Story-style battle between warring paranormal creatures.

III. By all means, ignore everything that your friends and family have to say about your hot vampire man. Mere mortals cannot possibly understand the love that exists between you and your high school boyfriend, especially if you’ve caught one of the special ones who sneaks in through your window and watches you while you sleep.

IV. If you reject a guy, be sure to introduce him to your first born daughter. Even if he wants to kill her at first, sometimes murderous passion can ignite a wildly inappropriate May-December romance. And don’t be afraid if they come from different backgrounds, just because you were prejudiced doesn’t mean she will be too.

V. Marry a man with sharp teeth—you never know when it will come in handy for erotic foreplay or an impromptu C-section.

VI. Most importantly: wait until marriage. You should know from my experience that not having sex can be just as erotic as actually doing it—especially when there’s all the built-up tension of your boyfriend wanting to, you know, kill you. And not to play up my accomplishments or anything, but I’m pretty sure that most of you just aren’t ready to have a half-vampire baby lurch forth fully formed from your womb. Leave that kind of stuff to me and the fine folks at Summit Entertainment.