Everyone thinks that Crimson Arts is some super cool conglomerate of people with great taste and better haircuts. However, this is not the case. Some really uncool stuff has happened over the last year and I feel that I am perfectly situated to blow the whistle on these lapses in Arts’ hip persona.
• When Adam T. Horn ’13 stumbled into writers meeting roaring drunk and threw an empty Jack Daniels bottle at the Arts Chairs. It took three compers 25 minutes to restrain him.
• Alyssa A. Botelho ’13 chain smokes cigars in the Arts office and throws cats at the TV when she gets a Jeopardy question wrong.
• That one time Benjamin Naddaff-Hafrey ’13 beat me with a tire iron, which sucked because I totally didn’t deserve it.
• Keerthi Reddy ’14 wouldn’t stop insinuating terrible things about my mother during editing sessions. And she would laugh when I started crying.
• The chest hair of Alex E. Traub ’13. It’s gratuitous. Enough said.
—Noah S. Guiney is the incoming Theater Editor. He is a major supporter of the Queen of England, and, more importantly, Chelsea Football Club. He can be reached at email@example.com.