Remember that time when your friend saw you at the activity fair and was all, “Ohmigosh, you absolutely have to check out the Harvard Band. It’s, like, more amazing than if, like, Justin Bieber were to go on tour with *NSYNC!” And you were all like, “Ew, that club sounds gross,” because that girl/guy you think is cute was nearby and you didn’t want them to think you’re a total weirdo, but secretly you really love your trombone? I know, right? Well, here’s your chance to find out which activity on campus is the perfect fit for you. This time without worrying about social stigmas.
1) How would you describe yourself?
c. I can only identify myself by those around me.
e. Level 70 Paladin
2) What is your spirit animal?
3) When in Rome ...
a. Rape and Pillage.
b. Enjoy the art!
c. Do as the Romans do.
d. VESPAS! VESPAS EVERYWHERE!
e. Study abroad.
4) On Saturday nights, you usually end up ...
a. You can’t remember, but according to the Facebook photos it was epic.
b. Otto’s. Noch’s and Felipe’s are so last year.
c. Hanging out in a friend’s room
d. Trying to get into many different parties. Emphasis on the trying.
e. In Lamont until it closes. Then arguing with the security guard, because seriously, you just need five more minutes, please!
5) What is your favorite part about Harvard?
a. All the amazing people! (NOTE: This does not mean everyone, just the amazing ones.)
b. Its storied history
c. Meeting more people like you
d. Being able to say whatever the hell you want and have people think you’re smart
e. Studying hard is its own reward.
6) When you pass someone you only sort of know on the street, you ...
a. Run up to them, yelling the whole way, and hug them like you would your long lost brother.
b. Say hi, but you’re not mad if they don’t say hi back. Besides you really didn’t want to have a whole conversation with them anyway.
c. Take out your phone and pretend to be very busy reading some e-mail on your House list about someone needing to borrow a blender or some shit like that.
d. Run the hell away! Social interaction can be frightening and dangerous, and you’re way too intelligent to fall for that!
e. Reach into your bag, pull out the glove you’ve been carrying around for this very reason, slap them in the face with it, and challenge them to a duel.
7) Are you good looking?
a. I’d have sex with me, yeah.
b. That depends. How drunk are you?
c. With a little plastic surgery, I’d be hottt.
d. I’m beautiful on the inside.
e. My mom started insisting I talk to her only on the phone when I hit puberty.
8) What’s your favorite kind of movie?
a. Horror—it gives me an excuse to cuddle with my date / allow my date to hold on to me. Also, I like watching the weak characters suffer.
b. Drama—it’s only worth watching if it has won an Oscar.
c. Documentary—learning is fun! So is catching up on your sleep during the boring parts!
d. Comedy—fart jokes are funny, ok?
e. Disney—except for the part where Bambi’s mom dies. Or the part where Mufasa dies. Or the rampant racism.
9) If you were trapped on a desert island with just you and your best friend, what would you do?
a. Eat your friend as soon as you started feeling hungry. Things change, buddy. Deal with it.
b. Both of you eat one another’s left arm, then left leg, then right leg, then right arm, depending on how long it takes to get rescued.
c. Offer yourself up to be eaten, and then be surprised by how quickly your “friend” agrees to feast on your still-warm flesh.
d. Both starve, knowing you could never live with the knowledge of what your friend tastes like.
e. Send a message to Michael Sandel asking what you’re morally obligated to do.
10) How many licks does it take for you to get to the Tootsie roll center of a Tootsie pop?
e. 347. Trust me I’ve tried.
11) What do you look for in your friends?
a. People who will stand by me no matter what sort of stupid things come out of my mouth.
b. My friends need to be funny and outrageous people who will entertain me. I said entertain me! Dance, maggots!
c. I can really only relate to people similar to me, so we all need to share the same values.
d. Are they good editors? Or at least helpful study buddies? My thesis will need help one day if it’s going to be published in a major journal, and I’m fully expecting my friends to be a central part of its success.
e. ... friends?
13) “I love you”—part of a song lyric from what song?
a. Chris Brown—I Love You
b. Barenaked Ladies—I Love You
c. Tila Tequila—I Love U
d. Avril Lavigne—I Love You
e. Three Days Grace—I Hate Everything
Now calculate your score! Give yourself points based on the following values:
Answer choice—Points awarded
If you scored from 12-20:
You should really just stay home for now. I think it’s in your best interest to avoid interacting with people—for their sake as much as for your own.
If you scored from 21-30:
Try writing! Comp The Crimson, along with half your classmates. You get to meet some interesting people while really spending the majority of your time isolating yourself so you can “write.”
If you scored from 31-40:
Join one of the cultural societies! Ideally, you’ll join one that’s relevant to your roots, but feel free to branch out and join other ones as well if you’re feeling particularly confident.
If you scored from 41-50:
The world of theater awaits! Go be artsy with people who appreciate what people in high school called your “eccentricities.” But seriously, try to avoid those behaviors off the stage, for the rest of us.