Dear Undergraduate Council,
It’s already been over a week, and I have yet to see any real action from the Undergraduate Council. There is still no hot breakfast in my dining hall, and my parents still hate me. This lack of cage-free omelets coupled with a natural disposition to blame all of my problems on others has lead me to question the validity of your institution. What are you actually doing? Are you really working as hard as you should to achieve your promises? Is everything you told me during your campaigns, including the fact that my skirt did not make me look fat, a lie?
So to keep you, the UC, on your toes, and to see how honest you really are, I conducted a short interview with Brett M. Biebelberg ’16, a randomly chosen, newly-elected member of the Undergraduate “Council” to see what is really going on in with our so-called student government, and what is taking so long with those eggs. Biebelberg had promised to add more sustainable features to our campus, including Dyson Airblade had dryers and solar energy, but I’m pretty sure global warming is still happening. Think about the Pfoho polar bears. I hope what follows will be enlightening for our dear readers, who can come to their own conclusions about the efficiency of the U.C.:
Fifteen Minutes: How is the UC going thus far?
Brett M. Biebelberg: We’ve had one general meeting and committee meetings have started this week.
FM: What were some of your campaign promises?
BMB: I’m looking to explore safety issues that occur on campus.
FM: What action have you taken so far?
BMB: Well, um, I’ve attended the two meetings that we’ve had so far. The election results were just announced last Friday, so there hasn’t been a whole lot of time to work on that.
FM: Have you dropped out of class yet to help achieve your stances?
BMB: Have I dropped out of class?
FM: How will going to class affect your ability to get things done?
BMB: I think that my time commitment to the UC is something that I prioritized with great importance, and I don’t see how my class schedule will get in the way of that.
FM: I know you are a freshman rep, but have you done anything about hot breakfast in the upperclassmen houses?
BMB: Given the fact that I only had the pleasure of serving this position for six days, there is not much I can do about this.
So there you have it. More than a week in office and still no follow through. This is Harvard, people—we can’t be held accountable to normal peoples’ standards. I think it’s clear from the above that you guys aren’t living up to your governmental duties, and it’s well past time to put those leadership skills to use. I’ll give you until Sunday to reverse our carbon footprint. Also, the economy. Do work.
Soon-to-be Compers of the Ed Board, FM