In the event that you survive the apocalypse on December 21, 2012, look out for...
1. Hipster fashion trend of 2013: Native American fashion is such a passe cultural misappropriation. 2013 will see the rebirth of the…1860s! Inspired by Daniel Day-Lewis and his dashing cast, keep an eye out for hoop skirts, crinoline, corsets, and top hats for the gents. Put aside those non-prescription Ray-Bans; 2013 is the year of the monocle!
2. 2013 diet trend: Gluten-free is so 2011. Juice cleanses so 2012. Atkins so 2003. In 2013 say goodbye to all foods pulled out of the ground. That’s right, hasta la vista potatoes, pinto beans, carrots, ginger and garlic. Hello slim and sexy new you!
3. Best tell-all celebrity memoir of 2013: Morgan Freeman will reveal the potent elixir he drank throughout his childhood to make his voice into one akin to God in his epic 1,000-page mem oir written entirely in Hebrew. Hitting major booksellers December 25, 2013.
4. Next important government official to have an affair scandal: Paul Ryan and Sarah Palin have a baby. Named Crib Leaf Blue.
5. Next scandalized official to get his/her own TV show: General Petraeus, with his ample free time, will burst onto the small screen. His recent confession after the cheating scandal is that he’s got cabin fever. This piqued the interest of E! and Starz TV networks; teams of cameramen descended on Petraeus’s quiet abode. Interesting sneak peeks include Petraeus at the gym and Petraeus’s steamy encounter lasting 30 minutes or fewer with FOOD Network star Rachael D. Ray.
6. Name of Lady Gaga’s newest album: The Ga.
7. Hot new celebrity baby name of 2013: Puff Pastry. After Apple, nothing is off limits.
8. Predicted lyrics from the next Biebs song: “Jack and Jill went up that hill / but they never got any water. / Like you and me / it’s plain to see / that we just need to be smarter. / Because I love you / like a fairy tale / fairy tale / fairy tale, oh yeah, baby. / You’re the Jill / and I’m the Jack / and I’ll carry your water / all the way back / to your heart. / Ooo, yeah, your heart, baby. / Heart, baby, oh yeah. / Your heart, baby. Ooo, yeah.”
9. Next Yardfest singer: Dave Matthews Band.
10. After Uggs? Animal feet slippers. Still warm and so much opportunity to personalize. Will you bear tiger claws or flip for dolphin fins?
—Staff writers Virgina McSteamy and Ola McDreamy enjoy cutting people open on the beach. They are not available for contact.