Tired of waiting around to see if windbreakers will come back in style? FM’s team of sartorial savants took a look into their crystal ball to bring you the future of culture. This is what they saw:
After its temporary banishment to the cultural underground, the emo movement will regroup and colonize the genre of dubstep. “Droopstep,” as this hideous progeny will be known, will spread among hopeless teens like wildfire because it sets the perfect pace for loitering while allowing for long periods of nasal lament in between cathartic wobble breaks. Its sound will baffle parents, who could never understand tragedy anyway.
The iPhone 6 will be released, with the much-ridiculed Siri finally willing to accept marriage proposals. Everyone will have one; Mormons will have three.After rising tensions culminate in a psychotic-groupie-and-electric-razor incident, the dreamy boy band One Direction will finally split. One will join the cast of “Glee,” another will appear nude on the cover of Food Network Magazine, and a third will serve 20 years for armed robbery and for swearing on the set of “Barney.” The other two will release a post-droopstep concept album entitled “down/all/night,” before they all join together once more for their Many Directions reunion tour.
When leggings are formally decreed to not be pants, social norms will take a dramatic shift away from pants. Thus, leggings will become the go-to accessory for everything, including scarves, shrugs to hats, capes, and leashes for your toy St. Bernard.
“Going I.V.” will replace the vegan craze, and veganism itself will be derided as “bougie” and “gluttonous.” Followers will move to avoid all solid foods, instead opting to use a small intravenous pump attached to the ear.