The Return of the Harvard Hoochies

To everything there is a season. For the Harvard college community, the cooling last days of September coincides with the first days of punch, typically calling for a surge of bow ties and formal wear on campus. However, this fall, rumors of a concerted HUPD and Cambridge Police crackdown have caused several student groups and final clubs to cancel events, leaving many students without a weekend outlet. At a place like Harvard—where tradition is practically sacred—a threat to the classic rituals of 3p.m. suit-wearing and theme parties is a serious concern.

Clearly, this situation calls for expert attention.

Re-enter the Harvard Hoochies, the infamous “BU Biddies who hooched and husband hunted at Harvard Final Clubs.” Despite graduation and their move to New York, the girls remain true to their roots (Mount Auburn Street), and their principles (never sorry). Fifteen Minutes caught up with the Hoochies via email, and learned that, while seasons pass and biddies come and go, the sass is here to stay.

Fifteen Minutes: When the police are threatening parties, what's a biddie to do?

Harvard Hoochies: Leave, try another final club, or go to a party in one of the Houses. Adams is great because it has large rooms. Kirkland is great because you can waft in the spirit of Zuckerberg.

FM: Any suggestions on how to save a night?

HH: Keep drinking–always. Don’t drunk eat–ever. And finally, sext like you mean it.

FM: If the Hoochies aren't around, who can save Harvard nightlife?

HH: Sluts in bandage skirts are everywhere.

FM: When the party shuts down, is there any hope for a Random Ugly Harvard Girl (RUHG)?

HH: Yes! If a party is shut down, Harvard bros are less likely to meet a BU biddie that night. Therefore, it’s more likely that they’ll be calling on the Harvard girl they hook up with during the week. Maybe RUHGs are behind the parties getting shut down.

FM: To make matters worse, many athletes are in hot water for the Introduction to Congress cheating allegations. Suggestions for what will keep Harvard athletes going strong?

HH: Let’s hope none of the athletes eat their feelings over this. No one likes a chunky guy in spandex.

FM: With fewer athletes on campus, would you ever consider looking at different Harvard groups/clubs for “man-meat”?

HH: We already stalk all of them….

FM: And finally, concerning your graduation: Can we expect to see you all back for a return visit?

HH: See you in the Square for Head Of The Charles and Harvard-Yale.

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