Tinder, Less Than 1, Dies; Its Few Successful Matches Mourn
Last night, after several weeks in isolation, Tinder passed peacefully away in its sleep with a rosy glow on his screen. He had been left neglected on billions of iPhones worldwide. Tinder was less than a year old.
Tinder took a deep interest in each of his users, and took care to match users based on proximity and similar hobbies. “I mean, the whole thing was very thoughtful. Tinder was a very well-intentioned little app,” said Tinder’s doctor this morning as he stared forlornly down into his coffee mug during an exclusive chat with FM. “Then again so was Myspace,” he concluded.
Tinder was known for his love of playing matchmaker with his friends, who ranged from athletes to middle schoolers and every tanned, muscular person in between. He caringly checked to see if matches found each other attractive, and they checked again to see if they found each other attractive.
Tinder’s doctor glanced uncomfortably down at his own iPhone. “But what Tinder didn’t realize was that his matches didn’t always work out, and when Tinder would encourage them, they would start to, well, ignore Tinder to avoid the pressure. At first he brushed aside the neglect, thinking maybe his users were in class, sleeping, or playing in lacrosse games. Then he realized the problem was larger and he began to feel the pain of them swiping him left.”
Tinder’s feelings of loneliness persisted, and he realized what he needed was a good friend. “I remember he told me about the day he sat down in front of a mirror and tried to use himself to find a match, or at least a friend,” the doctor continued. “He discovered, though, that none of the potential matches he chatted with wanted to meet up in person, and none of the few that he met really worked out for longer than a few days.”
Tinder’s decline was a quick one. Upon realizing how futile his life’s work was, and with his number of users dwindling, Tinder started to wake up later and later in the morning, putting less enthusiasm into his matching work. He started eating up a lot less battery life.
Feeling like he didn’t belong amongst the ranks of eHarmony and Match.com, Tinder looked for companionship amongst other apps that were getting lonely. He developed relationships with Draw Something, Words with Friends and Angry Birds. They visited occasionally, bonding over their feelings of obsolescence.
Kindhearted Tinder will live on in the hearts of the three or four couples that met because of his matching skills, and the many people who connected with each other with the flick of their thumbs to the left or to the right.