FM Satire: Mock Trial Victory Allows Nation to Realize Harvard is Good at More Than Just Basketball

In a shocking upset over number one seed Yale, Harvard proved its worth at something besides basketball at the 2013 National Collegiate Mock Trial Tournament last week.

The perennial basketball powerhouse’s victory immediately garnered a national response. “For as long as I can remember, the word ‘Harvard’ has been synonymous with basketball,” said alumna Gale G. Miller ’08. “Now in addition to Jeremy Lin and a 2013 March Madness win over New Mexico, the school has an academic accomplishment.”

The competition, which took place in a Standing-Room-Only Sanders Theater, wasn’t without its tense moments. Down late in the trial and needing to come up big in the closing argument, the team faced intense pressure. Luckily, Mark M. Halpert ’13, the team’s top performer, was up to the task.“When I saw the category was ‘battery’ my eyes kind of lit up,” said Halpert. “I’m good at most things, but when it comes to battery, I crush trials like I crush boxes.”

Halpert, a top-100 Mock Trial-er in high school, shocked many when he chose to commit to Harvard a few summers back. “I knew Harvard was a basketball school,” he says, “but I felt up to the challenge of building a more intellectual environment.”

After barely meeting the athletic requirement for college eligibility, Halpert led the Crimson to a national title.

After the Mock Trial victory, the team’s coach, Susan Page, received a congratulatory phone call from President Barack Obama, who graduated from the Law School in 1991. “I’ve never been more pleased with my former school,” Obama said in a statement released by the White House. “Besides that time the basketball team shocked the world with a win in the first round of the NCAA tournament, which was pretty damn sweet.”

Despite the Mock Trial team’s success, Harvard’s academic program isn’t without its critics. Some have attacked the administration for siphoning athletic money toward academic resources and equipment.

Still, for many on campus and beyond, the Mock Trial championship has changed the perception of Harvard’s much-maligned academic program. “People are starting to take us seriously,” said Halpert. “For once, Harvard academics is in the spotlight instead of its basketball program. I can’t complain.”