Advice For The Young Women Of Harvard

After reading the Princeton mother’s life advice, I too have advice for all the daughters I never had—as well as for the daughters I did have but refuse to acknowledge: find a Harvard husband before you graduate.

That’s right, I said it. I said it, and then I thought it would be a good idea to write a letter about it. Our clocks are ticking. We have an expiration date, unlike men and canned fruit, which last forever. So freshmen get on it! Once you become an upperclassman it may be too late. Seniors obviously can’t marry anyone younger than they are, so all that leaves for them are other seniors and that one junior who took a year off to study abroad. But that guy is probably already engaged to some girl he met in Italy. She’s Italian, how can we compete with that? We can’t, her clock is Venetian!

Then once you graduate, it’s over. You’ll have to join a nunnery, and boy, let me tell you, your Women in Business experience is not going to help you there. You will have to make all new business cards. Although, you won’t have to change your wardrobe.

Men don’t have this problem; once they graduate they have their pick of women. They can be eligible bachelors and then marry younger and less hideous looking women. But depending on where we live, we can’t do this. Until the Supreme Court makes a final decision, marrying younger women is not an option for us.

My advice is to find a smart husband now. Not just a smart one, but also a rich one. One who doesn’t have a problem supporting the mother-in-law he never had. Maybe he can buy her nice things or take her on a Caribbean cruise. I’m a fan of Bentleys, but I’d settle for a Jag.

So freshman ladies, put on your highest heels, three shades of blush and your girdle, then skip class and loiter around campus all day looking presentable. Sit in the library, the gym or Annenberg and remember to look the part of a “lady” as you catcall those freshman boys.